SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello there. It’s been a long time. I can’t even remember the last time I logged in. In short, things are good at 16 years out. We made it. We love and respect each other, we laugh and we cry, we talk. We are the best of friends growing old together day by day. 16 years out and I still feel lucky that he was willing to give me the chance to be the best version of myself (which includes him by my side).

What brings me here today is a little clarity on the collateral damage that happened on the way. My kids were just 6 and 9 on DDay. Old enough to know that we were fighting a lot, but young enough that I hoped they would be resilient and come out ok. It’s always been referred to as the time of "the big fight" when my kids would bring it up. We never went into details. We just let them know that mom and dad loved them and we were working hard to be better at our marriage and be better parents. They knew we went to therapy. They knew their dad stopped drinking during that time and they knew he was often angry during those early years. They did not know that I was reason, which unfortunately led them to try to fill in blanks where they could.

My oldest, who is now 25 recently sent me a heartfelt and honest email. He had learned on a long drive with his dad about my affair. Again, no details, just that I was the reason for the fighting in our home. He has been doing great work with his own therapist these days and felt like he needed some answers. It turns out he has a remarkable memory for that time. He needed to understand what those memories meant. His words were eloquent but also clear about some of the anger he felt, primarily for holding resentment towards his father for thinking he was to blame. He gave me the opportunity to tell my side of the story, which I obliged.

Being a good mom had always been important to me. During my A I always told myself that I was still a good mom. After DDay I continued to think I was still a good mom. It took a long time for me to realize that during the affair and those early days of reconciliation I was not good mom. I was distracted, not present. I had become my top priority rather than them. I exposed them to toxic bx and trauma.

I always have wondered just how much the A was going to keep rippling through our lives. It turns out it had some lasting effects on my kids that I never wanted to anticipate. My youngest has BPD and I have wondered if the triggering trauma has been my A or the struggles through school and COVID. Maybe all the above?

Fortunately, both of my kids have seen the benefits of the work we have done. We have good communication and I think we are all stronger for it.

I am not a perfect mom. No one is. I have at times in my life been a terrible mom. What I think I am now is more humble mom. I have learned from my past and have actively apologized to both of my children for some of the wrongs in the past that have directly impacted them.

I’m sure I will make mistakes with them again. They are old enough and bright enough to call me out on them. I know that I love them enough that if I am the reason for their hurt, I want to rectify that.

I know many of you are still too new and raw to consider long term impact. Just keep in mind that those little ears can hear loud and clear. They have uncanny intuition and empathy. Do your best to be there for them in all the chaos.

(((WOES)))!!!

Sooo awesome to "see" you again! Please say hello to HT for me!

My son was only 4yo on d-day, so he doesn't remember much of the craziness.

Shortly after our divorce, my ex told him what she did. Since then, my son (now 15) and I have had some very long, deep talks about all of it. I see it as an opportunity to teach him about love, relationships, marriage, fidelity, trust, the importance of being authentic, the strength of being vulnerable... all that jazz.

I don't think any of us who've survived infidelity were the best parents we could have been during those early years. I know that was true for us. Don't be too hard on yourself, dear lady.

ETA: weekends are a little slow

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:06 AM, Monday, August 31st]

Your post touches on something deeply personal to me: the generational echo of infidelity and the deep, often silent impact it leaves on the kids.

As someone who experienced infidelity from the child's perspective, I want to validate what you are navigating right now and offer a view from the other side of that dynamic.

I grew up surrounded by infidelity. My mother was my father's affair partner, they married, and his continued cheating contributed heavily to her eventual suicide. My entire family tree was riddled with it, to the point that it shaped my own early relationships until I finally did the hard work in counseling to unpack all that trauma. My father was an unrepentant cheater, but outside of his marriage, he was an attentive, dutiful father to me. Even so, the truth of his actions fundamentally altered how I saw him as a parent.

Because he was deeply conflict-avoidant, we never had the hard conversations. A permanent, unspoken wall went up between us. I pulled away and kept my distance, while he just assumed I was moody or giving him space. Then Alzheimer's took his mind, and he passed away last week without us ever clearing the air. That wall remained standing until the day he died, and the chance for genuine closure is lost forever.

The fact that your 25-year-old opened this door is a gift, even if it is painful to face. When adult children discover the reality of an affair, they inevitably see their parent differently. The childhood lens shatters, and they are forced to re-evaluate their upbringing, their memories, and their own sense of security. As your son mentioned, he spent years carrying misplaced resentment toward his father. Acknowledging that confusion and validating his pain is vital to dismantling the anger before it calcifies.

The affair carries a real risk of putting a permanent wall between you and your kids if you do not actively adapt the relationship to meet them where they are now. They need the space to reconcile the loving mother they know with the person who broke the family foundation, without feeling pressured to pretend everything is fine. When kids feel that anger, a parent's instinct is often to retreat out of guilt or fear of conflict, but retreating is what lets that brick wall harden.

You mentioned becoming a more humble mom, and that humility will be your greatest asset. Adapting to this new reality means meeting them as adults, leaning into the discomfort, and answering the hard questions without defensiveness. Showing them that your relationship is strong enough to bear the weight of the truth is the only way to keep that wall from going up.

[This message edited by 1994 at 2:42 AM, Monday, August 31st]

No stop sign

Just keep in mind that those little ears can hear loud and clear. They have uncanny intuition and empathy. Do your best to be there for them in all the chaos.

My children were young when my wife chose to betray me, our marriage and family with my supposed best friend. As a young Husband and Father who had come frome a fractured, violent and abusive home I was woefully unprepared to deal with the maelstrom of hurt and anger that my WW threw us into. I stuck it out out for a decade (much longer than I should have but thats water under the bridge). Ironically, I told myself I had stated "for the kids". Big mistake.

So, we stumbled through those years, in and out of alienation. She never reached remorse. I never reached acceptance let alone forgiveness. It was purgatory. The tension in the home was constant. We were never antagonistic toward each other when with the kids, but it had a clear deleterious effect on them over time.

Years later when they started acting out (no surprise), my new wife and I got them into therapy and the therapist explained the concept of prolonged trauma induced developmental gap in children whos emotional/behavioral development has been arrested by prolonged exposure to trauma in the home. That gap was severely pronounced in my youngest who had the hardest time even describing their emotions/feelings and had to use a chart to do so. The therapist then told me in my own session that I too most probably had a developmental gap given my upbringing. I felt very very low. Thankfully, a great therapist worked with my children and with me and gave us excellent tools to help us all move forward and fill in that gap. They are all doing well today and have given us beautiful grands that are a joy.

My advice is to do much more than try to be there in the midst of their world being up ended. Get them professional help to work with them as, while in the hurricane post DDay the BS and WS are severely impaired, There is a well known, oft referenced poster on SI that did just this. I dont agree with much else in their post but they got their children into therapy immediately as knowing how impaired they were in the aftermath of the bomb that had been dropped on their marriage and family.

The developmental gap is a very real thing.

ETA: Glad you are doing well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:58 PM, Monday, August 31st]

Hey Unhinged!👋🏻

I see it as an opportunity to teach him about love, relationships, marriage, fidelity, trust, the importance of being authentic, the strength of being vulnerable... all that jazz.

Both of our kids are in long term relationships. We have stressed from an early age that healthy relationships require good communication and vulnerability. We have told them that you have to be able to talk about the hard things, even if it scares you. I think they have taken that advice to heart.

They need the space to reconcile the loving mother they know with the person who broke the family foundation, without feeling pressured to pretend everything is fine.

I think that is exactly what he was doing. I think he just needed acknowledgement that from me that I wasn’t always the person he thought me to be. He knows that I am here if he has more questions and he knows that I will answer them honestly.

the therapist explained the concept of prolonged trauma induced developmental gap in children whos emotional/behavioral development has been arrested by prolonged exposure to trauma in the home.

Yes, this is something I have always feared as the kids were growing up. My son has done extensive work with his therapist, my daughter not so much, although she and I have also had some good conversations through the years.

I felt these recent events just proved that infidelity has tendrils that reach far and will poke out when you least expect them. I have the tools now to get through it. As a new WW I would have fought the concept that my kids would be affected by it, especially as they grow into adults.

I have been toying with writing about this topic for a while now, and this thread feels like a relevant enough space to share these thoughts, though I apologise if it comes across as slightly off-topic. Reading through these experiences prompted me to reflect on my own background as a child of divorce caused by my father's infidelity, and to consider what it actually takes for a wayward parent to attempt to maintain a connection with their children.

I often compare my situation to that of a close friend, trying to understand why two very similar betrayals led to completely opposite outcomes. Her father's actions were remarkably similar to mine: frequent travel for work, repeated failed reconciliations, and ultimately leaving the marriage. In many ways, his choices were more severe on paper, involving a betrayal of a close friend and a public exposure through work emails detailing drug-fuelled encounters. My father showed a similar lack of remorse, moving on quickly with a much younger partner who was struggling with severe addiction. Yet today, my friend remains extraordinarily close to her father—arguably even closer to him than to her mother, who was left behind to rebuild everything on her own.

What makes her forgiveness even more amazing to me is that, long before her father's betrayal ever happened, she had been fairly brutally and publicly betrayed by her first love. Given that she had already suffered that kind of devastating heartbreak, I would have assumed she would be far less tolerant of betrayal in general. Yet her ability to compartmentalise and completely forgive her father still astonishes me. I, on the other hand, haven't spoken to mine in seven years.

Looking back, the differences seem to stem from a mix of timing, philosophy, and personal temperament. I was between eight and eleven when the truth came out, absorbing the domestic fallout in real time. My friend was nearly twenty, with a firmly established sense of adult identity. Furthermore, my friend and my mother both hold the view that a man can be a poor husband while remaining a great father. I have always struggled with that logic. Through his own selfish decisions, my father tore our family apart. I saw my mam devastated for years whilst attempting to mask it from us, hearing muffled tears from the other room not quite drowned out by the TV.

The financial fallout of the divorce also directly reshaped my life. Watching the sudden shift to financial strain left me with long-lasting anxiety around money. On the positive side, it instilled a hyper-vigilance that meant I always maintained healthy savings for a rainy day. But the downside was a persistent fear that stopped me from living as freely or having as much fun through my twenties as my peers did. When a parent’s choices dismantle the home and cause that level of financial and emotional instability, it directly affects the children in ways that last for decades.

My mam, holding onto the belief that I should still have a relationship with my father, actively pushed me for years to keep an open mind and spend time with him. For his part, my father tried persistently to keep me on side—buying me video games, taking me on holidays, and taking me to football matches. But I resisted at every turn. I constantly tried to get out of going, and when my mam forced me to go anyway, I sat there and completely refused to engage. After years of this endless stalemate, he eventually gave up. I was relieved when he stopped, but whether my friend's father succeeded because he approached things differently or simply because my friend had a more receptive temperament, I honestly do not know.

Recently, my father offered a substantial amount of money towards my upcoming wedding. I debated taking it for a long time. He had enjoyed a close, lifelong bond with his own father, going to the working men's club with him twice a week until he died, and knowing I was deprived of that kind of fatherly relationship made me feel that financial compensation was, in some sense, owed to me for what was lost. Ultimately, though, I turned it down. Accepting it felt like accepting a financial substitute for emotional work, allowing him to feel he had made amends without addressing the underlying damage.

This leaves me reflecting on how a wayward parent should act if they genuinely want to attempt to preserve a relationship with their child. From my perspective, superficial gestures, financial offers, or trying to buy back affection through holidays or gifts will never work. It requires genuine accountability, a willingness to listen without defensiveness, and an honest, unprompted acknowledgment of the distress caused to the whole family unit, rather than brushing it under the rug or pretending nothing happened.

At the same time, I have to be honest and admit that I do not have all the answers, nor am I sure a clear blueprint even exists. A parent's actions are only part of the equation; the child's temperament, age, and personal moral boundaries play an equally significant role. In my case, I still struggle to say whether there was ever a realistic version of events where my father and I maintained a relationship. Was it his lack of true accountability that broke it, or was it simply my own nature and witnessing the impact on my mam that made a relationship impossible anyway? I honestly do not know. Perhaps with a different approach on his part things could have turned out differently, or perhaps my boundaries were always going to be unyielding. For wayward parents, maybe the takeaway isn't that there is a guaranteed path forward, but rather an understanding that even if you try to do everything right, the outcome might still remain uncertain.

I'm very happy your situation didn't damage your relationship with you kids in the manner it did why me and my fathers relationship.

It warms my heart to see you pop up.

I believe kids want to connect with their parents, even when the parents have made a mess of things. I know I did with my father. At this point, my daughter won’t talk to her mother, and my oldest boy is not quite as hard line, but also is creating space from his mom. And I believe that if she would just do the work, take on humility, change paths, they both would love to have a loving mother in their lives. And I worry about the long term effects this will have on them. I guess all we can do is move forward in love and care for them.

It requires genuine accountability, a willingness to listen without defensiveness, and an honest, unprompted acknowledgment of the distress caused to the whole family unit, rather than brushing it under the rug or pretending nothing happened.

These words ring true not just for our kids sake but words to live by generally, especially when healing from infidelity. Sadly, it it takes a lot of work and a willingness to be vulnerable to do so, which is why I think so many WS’s just don’t make it to the other side.

I believe that if she would just do the work, take on humility, change paths, they both would love to have a loving mother in their lives

.

You know I had hopes for her. I am sorry to hear that she still hasn’t done the work, if not for you or her, then for the kids. Hope you are doing well though.

WOES- so good to see your name pop up! Glad to hear how good things have been. Thanks for sharing your incredible and hard won wisdom.

(((WOES)))!

Funny, I have not been here in years, and just dropped by because an old friend wrote and said he had been here lately, so I dopped in. So nice to see a post from you here! I hope all is well.

Yeah, it is strange, I was just thinking the other day how shitty it must have been for our kids to hear us fighting in the house, especially that first week, when things were just awful. We screamed, we shouted, we said the worst things, and our poor kids heard every word, and have to live with that forever.

Honestly, I figured our kids would never want to get married or have kids of their own. Recently however, our oldest daughter did end up getting married to a really wonderful guy. He has a child from a previous marriage, but they are also trying for their own. Their relationship seems really healthy and do their best to deal with his ex and the toxic relationship he comes from. But they are happy. Our other son and daughter are still single and I'm not sure what will happen with that.

It is a lot of guilt to carry, knowing the hurt I put onto them, and how my stupidity affected their lives, their ability to trust and love others, and to even want a relationship for themselves. You are correct, they hear everything, and process everything in their own ways. All of our kids went, or still go, to therapy.

We are doing okay. We bought a house last year and really love it here. Sadly, both our dogs had to be put down in the past year or two, but now that they are gone, that opens up the possiblity to travel more, and my wife has been waiting years for that, so we are already starting to travel. We just went on a cruise to Alaska and will be FL soon to see her parents, as well out to the west coast to visit our kids. We are happy and do our best... the scars are always there, but at some point, they start to become part of the story more than the story itself.

Love to all,
-DD

As a new WW I would have fought the concept that my kids would be affected by it, especially as they grow into adults.

As did mine which really compounded the damage.

I affirm you drawing attention to this facet of the wreckage left in tbe wake of marital treason. Maybe just maybe a WS will find this and take it heart.

Well hello to you WOES!! It is so good to see you.

My son was around 14 when my dday happened, he is now 21 🫪 Even though my ex-BH did everything he could to shield him from the fallout and always kept himself calm and steady when my son was around, my son was perceptive. Kids always are. He has always been in tune with me, and he knew something was off. It felt wrong to pretend it was nothing, because it was absolutely something, and it touched every corner of our lives. Sadly, that included him.

I didn’t try to hide the shrapnel or soften it. I couldn’t shield him from it as the pieces went flying. Just like with my ex-BH, all I could do was tend to the wounds. At that age he tried to be brave and tried not to let it affect him. He was wise beyond his years and already understood that human messiness happens, even from the small experiences he’d had of his own.

I too always thought I was a good mom, and in many ways I was. In many ways I wasn’t. Facing myself in the aftermath and becoming more authentic, more vulnerable, and more well-rounded opened and strengthened my capacity to be a better person, therefore a better mom. I agree with you about being a more humble mom. I’m quicker to apologize now, quicker to own my part, quicker to slow down and actually listen instead of assuming I already know what he needs.

One of my lingering worries has been that I turned him off to relationships altogether. He has never had a meaningful romantic relationship. But maybe that isn’t fear. Maybe he just hasn’t found someone worth the risk yet. He has seen me be the one who causes hurt and he has seen me be the hurt one. Maybe he is simply a late bloomer. Honestly, he already seems more well-adjusted than I was at 21. He makes better choices, has sounder judgment, and knows who he is. Maybe that is the silver lining.

He is my one and only, and we have always been close and open and honest, at least as honest as a teen or young adult can be with a parent. Not too long ago, when I was going through another divorce and he saw how distraught I was, he said, "At least we will always have each other." And I thought, what a sweet, empathetic human I raised against his odds.

Reading your update and seeing how your kids have grown through the ripple effects reminds me that kids absorb more than we ever realize. But they also absorb the work, the repair, the softness that comes after the storm. If there is anything I’ve learned, it’s that humility and accountability go a long way. And if I ever hurt him again, I want to be the reason it gets mended.

I was just thinking of you, WOEz, wondering how you are, if you settled down anyplace, kids, etc. (I'll take a guess that you'll choose what to share.)

When I became a father, my hope and expectation was that we'd be able to keep our son from experience my dysfunctions and my W's. We've built a very mixed record on that - and that's with him being 28 on d-day.

IOW, I'm certain as I can be that we're gonna pass some crap onto our kids, infidelity or not. Kids pick up unhealthy stuff. Period.

My parents fought like cats and dogs. I hated it. I can show how it effected me negatively. I fought terribly with my kid brother. I specifically chose a partner with whom I could disagree without being disagreeable, with whom I could resolve issues. And our son picked a partner with whom he fought bitterly and destructively with XDIL. And our GS changed from an outgoing, optimistic kid into an introvert who stifles himself on many levels. And yet our son is much better at parenting and being a friend than either W or I.

So maybe your kids' - our kids' - dysfunctions are a combo of their own and of your - our - imperfect parenting., not of your infidelity. How is that not comforting?

Sometimes I get the feeling that we think our lives would be great if only we weren't impacted by infidelity. I can't help thinking, 'What other troubles would we have to deal with if we weren't impacted by infidelity?'

It’s nice to see some familiar "faces" here!

Daddydom, thanks for sharing, as always. We also lost our pup this year and thought the same regarding opening up opportunities with our travel. Don’t put it off. Travel while you are still young enough to enjoy it.

Foreverlabeled

they also absorb the work, the repair, the softness that comes after the storm. If there is anything I’ve learned, it’s that humility and accountability go a long way. And if I ever hurt him again, I want to be the reason it gets mended.

I love this and couldn’t agree more.

Sisoon

So maybe your kids' - our kids' - dysfunctions are a combo of their own and of your - our - imperfect parenting., not of your infidelity. How is that not comforting?

It actually is, thank you!

We are still in a somewhat travel mindset. We have been kind of snow birding between Washington and California. I will say there is something about the PNW that keeps me coming back and we have decided to try a winter here to see what we really think. I love traveling but there is something about being able to call a specific place home too, so I really don’t know. We have been fortunate to experience some real beauty that our country has to offer. Having the opportunity to travel like we have has been a one in a lifetime experience. As scary as it was to sell the house and all of our belongings I have zero regrets. Hope you and the Mrs. are well. Also say my hellos to the staff here!

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 8:33 PM, Thursday, September 3rd]

Hey-

I hadn’t responded to your post before because I didn’t have anything really of value to say.

However, I did want to say I just used an old conversation between you, your husband, and bsr to illustrate a point the other day.

I also wanted to say I am glad you are still traveling—it was a valuable experience for us as well—-I really miss it!!!! When we got back after two years everyone was like do you regret getting rid of your house? (It was once our dream) and I was a big no on that one. And then, what about your job? (I left a high level and came back to a mid level) nope. Would not trade that experience and time for anything!!!! I am excited for you!

It’s nice to see some familiar "faces" here!

Hell yes it is! I don't know if you remember, but when my ex and I separated I quit SI and disappeared. I had to step away for my own good.

Over those years, I'd log in occasionally, often just to see if any old friends were around. Did that last June (2025) and a new member drew me back in. I've been fairly active since, which lead to reconnecting with a very dear friend.

I was a bit disappointed that you and HT weren't around anymore. When I found out what ya'll were up to... well, I was truly happy for you guys! Well done! Seriously!

Does the shitstorm of infidelity affect our kids? Of course it does. But being imperfect is every parent's God given right, damn it! Being human is fucking hard and adulting is even fucking harder. And parenting... jezz...

We can teach our kids all sorts of stuff and hope they pay attention (which, of course, they don't always do any more than we did as kids). They'll have their own issues, they'll fuck-up just like the rest of us screwballs. Those of us who've survived infidelity and learned to put ourselves back together again, that's some seriously priceless wisdom to pass on (if they listen, and they probably won't any more than we did as kids).

I think foreverlabeled is right that they don't just see and absorb the craziness, they see the growth and healing as well. Sharing our journeys as well as the wisdom and knowledge we've gained is sometimes the best thing we can do for them.

It's not easy, though, and I can only imagine how hard this is for you, WOES.

Hang in there, dear lady.

There was an affair in my parents' marriage, and now in my own. I could write a lot about the relationship between the two. I also sought out therapy in my mid twenties, and believed my marriage was a positive and good relationship built on a foundation of honesty. A lot of the "we all fuck our kids up some way" and "they get to see us repair it" reads to me as minimizing. Sure, none of us are perfect, but did we need to wound our kids so deeply and for them to know it was a deliberate choice? And while manageable ruptures and repairs are expected and healthy, the people on this site should understand better than anybody that some damage can never be repaired and will always leave vulnerability.

I've spent over a year trying to support my youngest and working on our relationship. He finally smiles and laughs again. But the marks of what happened on his level of security remain and the time he was a baby can't be brought back or done over. No amount of remorse or life lessons will make up for it.