SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I honestly believe that there are cases where the cheater makes the wrong decision and then would never admit it because they never want to face the "I told you so" situation.

This is case with my father as well. He knows but he can’t even admit it to himself.

I think you need to prepare yourself for any kind of reaction. From the full on genuine remorse (not likely based on what I’m seeing from your WW) to the last ditch "I’m not sure this is what I want" kind of fishing expedition.

You should also be ready for her current posture to harden and her nastiness to increase as she suffers the fallout from her choices.

Sorry Beetrain, this really sucks.

Sorry you are here, but I want to assure you that you will be better off once you are away from this person. Keep in mind that the children always gravitate towards the stable parent. Yes, I lost time with my girls when they were young that I can never get back. They are grown now. I am not the biological father of the oldest who lives 3 hours away. Just this year I will spend a month worth of time with her and the grandkids. Her mother got to eat pizza in a hotel room for a couple of hours.
My ex laughed at me at our divorce. Since then she has married and divorced again. Has lost the fully paid house she received from the divorce and her daughters rarely see her even on mothers day.
Don't be afraid of divorce. Most of us have been there.

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:19 PM on Tuesday, September 1st, 2026

Plus the success rate of relationships or marriages that start as affairs is very, very low.

This is per an AI search result:

Less than 2% of relationships that start as affairs last long-term.

Specific statistical breakdowns include:

Only 3% to 7% of affairs lead to marriage.

Of those marriages, approximately 75% end in divorce.

Relationships that begin on a foundation of lies and deceit just don't tend to make it, but of all of them I'll bet 99% of them think they will.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:32 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

It’s been a few days so I figured I’d respond to a few of your posts and to provide an update.

Things at home are are tense to say the least. WW and I barely talk. Seeing her makes my heart hurt each time she passes by. I know that I’m misremembering our past, but it’s like I can’t stop feeling pain and abandonment. I am doing my best with 180.

I have an attorney on retainer but have not filed yet. I have very little strength and I question my resolve and fortitude more often each day than I should. We don’t sleep together or next to each other but share the same house and living capacity.

I have an appointment with a grief counselor on Friday. I broke down and cried while booking it when I was asked for the reason of the requested session. I’m struggling.

My kids come home soon so I have that to look forward to.

Thank you everyone

No Friend, this moment is important. You will NOT fold. This is where you recognize you have value and will hold your head high and protect yourself. There is time to grieve, but she is gone, she has been gone. She has morphed into someone who is your enemy. She is not your person. But someone is ....eyes forward.

This stuff is really hard. And heart-breaking. But you need to get free of this and then you can begin to heal. Glad you are seeing a counselor.
File. Divorce takes time so it’s not the point of no return. But it does move you forward.

I am doing my best with 180.

I have an attorney on retainer but have not filed yet. I have very little strength and I question my resolve and fortitude more often each day than I should. We don’t sleep together or next to each other but share the same house and living capacity.

I have an appointment with a grief counselor on Friday. I broke down and cried while booking it when I was asked for the reason of the requested session. I’m struggling.

My kids come home soon so I have that to look forward to.

This stage is extremely hard. I affirm your actions and think you are doing the best that you can. As you continue to detach and heal, there will come a day when the tears no longer come. Generally speaking, that will be a day when you begin to turn the corner.

Focus on yourself and your children. Stay as active as possible. Physical activity and exercise will help in many ways including endorphins and the sleep of physical weariness. Drag yourself outside to take a walk if thats what it takes but keep moving. Availing yourself of therapy is a positive step as well.

Stay the course. Strength to you.

Understand that what you are doing is done for YOU.
Like the 180 and my suggestion to avoid drama… It’s not to turn her, but to help you detach and gain emotional distance. What this will eventually lead to is that you can view the situation occasionally (and more frequently as time goes by) with a less emotional lens and more of a practical one.

One practical issue:
From now on keep a detailed account of finances. What you spend on utilities, food, rent/mortgage, the kids, on yourself…
Keep a detailed account of activities with the kids. Not suggesting you start taking them to the zoo daily, but PTA meetings, who drives them to practice, who spends Friday evening with them (and who is out doing "overtime"). Who takes them to the dentist, who makes the appointment and so on. You aren’t doing this to prove she does nothing and you everything, nor are you trying to outparent her. What this account can help with is WHEN and IF custody disputes arise she can’t make statements like "he never cared about their health" or "I did all the work with the kids".

Keep busy. The suggestion to exercise is a great one. Even if it's "only" a daily hour walk around your neighborhood, or a cycle tour with your youngest.

Thanks bigger and others. My attorney told me that I should be able to get primary custody of the kids b/c my WW travels 70-80 days out of the year. Should (hopefully) be good but even if I lose, a 50/50 split is highly likely. I hate the idea of only seeing my kids 50% but it could be far worse here in TX. I’m gonna ask for primary, which will piss her off but who cares.

I need to find strength to file for D. I’m so hesitant and I don’t know why. Mind fucked yet again. I don’t have the means to move out yet. We need to sell the house but how/when. I’ll try to dig deeper in therapy session Tomorrow and will post back. Love and bro hugs to yall

beetrain6:

You do not need to move out not until you figure out what a settlement would look like. Let your lawyers handle the divorce and negotiation. Do not engage with your spouse directly. This does not have to be WW3 do your best to take emotion out of the equation. Sign the retainer and have them file.

If she tries to drag you into drama simply disengage and inform her you wish the lawyers to handle it. Again this can be done in a dispassionate way. I wish you luck and peace.

I need to find strength to file for D. I’m so hesitant and I don’t know why. Mind fucked yet again. I don’t have the means to move out yet. We need to sell the house but how/when. I’ll try to dig deeper in therapy session Tomorrow and will post back. Love and bro hugs to yall

Two things change peoples lives/motivate them in general, inspiration or desperation. Intellectually, Id much rather be inspired, or so I like to think, but if Im honest, its desperation that has moved me forward in the past and it has cost me.

Where will you find the strength/motivation to formally file? I say formally because, gently, in truth, you are already divorced in practical terms. Filing the forms with the court is just a formal recognition of what has already taken place. For your sake, I hope tbe inspiration of not letting the mess that your WW has made of her life drag you down further by making a new start and filing is tbat first step. Or, you can let it linger and stay in limbo until it gets so bad that you are desperate for it to end, thus prolonging the agony. Dont just find your strength, find your inspiration.

On that note, your kids. Beginning the journey to possible primary custody and a new start for you and them is inspring/motivating, right? Helping setting them up for success is motivating. Starting the process to end tve suffering is motivating.

The exigencies of other details such as selling tbe house; finding a new place to live, etc will come one task at a time.

Find your motivation to help you move forward. As Bigger said, divorce is a formal ending of your WW as your wife, but in truth she stopped being your wife long ago. Divorce is the formal recognition of tbat fact.

Keep moving forward, one step, one task at a time.

Beetrain:

Please give us an update after you had time to process your grief counseling today.

If your attorney has all the documents that he requested, it only takes a phone call to him/her to tell them to file. Once the divorce has been filed at least you will have a goal to work towards. It may help end the 'malaise' in the house. It doesn't really sound like your WW wants to work on the marriage at this point. She's probably trying to wait you out or keep the status quo for as long as possible. So being served the divorce petition should knock her into some sort of action. Either she gets an attorney and at that point you should start working out the divorce as amicably as possible or she comes to you and asks for reconciliation. One thing she shouldn't do is keep her head in the sand because if she doesn't file an answer in response to the divorce petition, you can seek a default judgment.

As others have written, a divorce takes time. Minimum cooling off period in Texas after filing the petition is 60 days. Watch her actions and not her words during all of this. Once you file, you have the power to press forward or to dismiss the petition.

You're currently in the suck. Stay strong and stay busy as much as possible. Pay as much attention as you can to your kids. Keep up the 180. Do not be surprised once she's served for your WW to start scrambling (either way) to save what she can, so protect yourself.

Just keep in mind that filing isn't the same thing as finalizing the divorce. It's a step toward it, but you can pause or stop the process at any time, and it takes time. I think future you will appreciate that you got it done sooner than later tho if you move now.

Hang in there man. You got this. It can pretty much only go up from here. Don't let paralysis of analysis become a stumbling block. You want to stay ahead of this.

I need to find strength to file for D. I’m so hesitant and I don’t know why.

You’re hesitant because you’re in shock and gripped with fear. As has been said repeatedly, filing for D is the start of a LONG process. Know that should 10 miracles occur and your wife suddenly transforms into a new person, you can stop the D at any time. Lastly, despite the disagreement of some here, D doesn’t categorically mean "the end". There are documented cases where betrayal led to D, and then, later, the betrayer has a transformation of character, and the couple reunites, even remarrying in some cases. This site talks about R always being the need for a NEW relationship. What could be more clear than such case?

Hey man, I just want to tell you 'dont give up'. We all know how bad this hurts early on and you're honestly handling it way better than I did.

Like they mentioned, filing is not a final decision. But to your wife, it looks like it. I don't want to get your hopes up but it's not uncommon for the wayward spouse to be shocked into reality when they find out the betrayed has a spine.

Start journaling or writing down your thoughts and what is happening on a daily basis if you can. It helps tremendously for the in-between your therapy visits. Its not as good as talking to someone but it's nearly as good, and it'll be very helpful when you look back at things over time. Your brain is mashed potatoes right now.

Good luck man and know that I'm praying for you