** Member to Member **
Another potential topic for your therapy: what does this 'relationship' do for you, and can you get those desires met in real life? ....
I reject completely the spirit of that question. It is asked in a way that treats an actual whole person—one I still platonically love, BTW—as set of fungible qualities. Completely without justification, your question shamefully reduces my dear sweet innocent OW into a whore—and disrespects me as a john; as someone who interacted with my OW purely for need fulfillment (i.e. transactional gain) and not because I actually cared about her.
Read the actual questions. Note that I asked questions about you, and you responded as if I asked about your ow.
Note also that I asked questions that should be asked of virtually every relationship, especially of any problematic relationship. And yet you attacked me for implying you hired a prostitute.
Brother, I repeat: you came up with that on your own.
Think about it: again, these questions are relevant o almost every relationship.
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I strongly suggest that you focus on results, not intentions. Intentions are usually complex. IMO, I'm doing you a service by suggesting you are living a fantasy. At the same time, your projection was pretty insulting, and I know I'm angry over that.
And yet, if I were driven by anger here, I wouldn't confront you. I'd let you live in your fantasy, which is a guaranteed way to lose out in life. There's a myriad of reasons that people say, 'Honesty is the best policy.'
A confrontation can help you grow. Not responding leaves you wallowing in your own ordure.
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Note also that your stated idea of R is for you to build a loving M with both you and your W connecting through sex while having a close relationship with your OW. That's what we call cake-eating. It goes on only as long as your W lets it.
I would not be surprised to find someone who has accomplished what you want, but I have a long memory and almost 16 years experience on SI, and I don't remember any SIer who has made that work. OTOH, I know I've missed a lot that's passed through SI, so if any reader remembers a WS who has both R'ed and maintained a friendship with the ap, please let us know.
In any case, asking BSes to help you have both your M and your ow is somewhat tone deaf at best. Asking WSes to help you cake-eat when they couldn't is worse than tone deaf.
I urge you to look around and figure out if what you want is truly within reason. Consider how you'd feel if you and your W exchanged positions. Really consider if your issue is that you can't bring yourself to choose between your W and ow. Take responsibility for your life.
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I hope your response is self-examination, perhaps acting as an effective 'devil's advocate' for yourself.
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*********************************************** Mod to Member **
If you respond in public, make sure you stay within guidelines.
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