SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m 5 weeks post D-day. I have been a mess. A complete emotional wreck. I can’t believe she did this to me for 3 months. I still haven’t fully processed my emotions or the betrayal. I am at the phase where I’m not sure if I want to R. She answered every question I had about the A and is willing to take a polygraph test. She has been looking for IC for herself but hasn’t found anyone she’s comfortable with. She has an appointment today and one coming up in 2 days with 2 different IC. She has been supportive in every way and assuring. She writes me journals daily about how sorry she is and how she can’t believe she actually did this, but I don’t understand how you can do something like this and meet someone for 3 months emotionally and sexually and not care or think about what your doing. She claims she regrets it and wishes she can take it back. I’m extremely broken, more than expected because I loved, trusted, cared, and valued our relationship, regardless of the flaws. I’m not doing good mentally because of this and can’t focus or sleep well. I have so many questions, will I ever love her again? Will I ever be "normal"? Will I ever trust her again? When is it safe to give her the physical compliments she desires as a woman? When can and should I start being nice to her? Even though she committed the unimaginable and betrayed me, I still have a soft spot for the woman I gave my heart to 17 years ago. She has been asking for sex and I’ve been rejecting her. I obviously crave sex and affection but I’m extremely broken. I would appreciate some insight based on experience and how things "should" be handled.

I apologize about being all over the place in my post but this is currently my state of mind and life, all over the place.

She has been asking for sex and I’ve been rejecting her. I obviously crave sex and affection but I’m extremely broken. I would appreciate some insight based on experience and how things "should" be handled.

Authentically. Honor your feelings.

Compliments? Probably part of the reason she did this is she craves external validation. It’s her job to learn to validate herself more. I think it’s to be expected for that to fall to the wayside in the aftermath of infidelity.

Listen to what you need, do not do things out of fear. She has a lot of growing and changing to work on and folks do not tend to move towards those things in comfort. She has traumatized you in some very deep ways, please protect yourself from anything further right now. This is not the time to work on the marriage. This is the time for you both to focus on your individual recovery and move towards healing. If that is done successfully, healing the marriage will be easier if that’s your desire. I also think that can provide clarity towards ending the marriage if that ends up being ultimately your desire.

You are right to not trust, not want to make yourself more vulnerable. If she is worth reconciling down the line with, she will learn to understand how to deal with the natural consequences of her actions.

It’s completely normal you still love her or have a soft spot. Just don’t worry about doing any sort of pick me dance. It’s her that must learn those steps and perform it for you.

In the meantime try and engage in any self care you can muster. Eat well, try and get rest, if you can get out and walk for a bit each day or spend time in nature, there is a lot of help hat fresh air and sunshine can lend to our minds and bodies. If you have a hobby, try and engage it if you can. Sometimes those outlets can put us back to the present and give some mental relief. It’s normal if you can’t. Lean on friends and family. Get therapy yourself if you need it. There are lots of wise folks here that may offer some other suggestions.

Right now you need to put your oxygen on yourself first. She needs to engage in her own recovery and you can’t do that for her.

As for sex, some people decide they do want that, others do not. That’s a very personal decision to make. If you aren’t up for it, it’s completely fine, you should abstain. Whatever you need is what you should listen to for now and months to come.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:29 PM, Tuesday, June 17th]

I am sorry to see you join us here — I recall the early days of shock and pain, and the main thing now is for you to focus some self care. Sleep isn’t easy, but try for some when you can, and you still need to try to eat, and drink lots of water.

At five weeks in, I didn’t know which way was up.

Unfortunately, you’re responding to emotional trauma, and all of your thoughts and reactions are very, very normal.

Even if you consider R, you should consult an attorney, to review legal options. I eventually rebuilt my marriage, but there is some comfort in knowing what all of your options are.

I obviously crave sex and affection but I’m extremely broken. I would appreciate some insight based on experience and how things "should" be handled.

This website has a library of files that I found helpful, one of them discusses hysterical bonding or HB — but that’s a very individual choice, and intimacy of any kind is up to you both if you’re trying to find a way forward. HB is confusing at times, it was for me, and at the end of the day, it helped some, to see if we still had SOME level of compatibility after discovering the horrible truth of infidelity.

Keep posting, venting and asking questions.

Regardless of the path you choose, we all heal on the other side of this.

I wouldn’t aim for anything much, other than self care at this point. You’ll learn infidelity behaviors are all frighteningly similar (the excuses, the rationalizations, etc.) that a WS offers are all the same.

When can and should I start being nice to her?

Anger is normal, but civility from both me and my wife proved helpful along the way.

I would add, we worked on things for nearly two years before I made my choice to stay. Some people choose faster, some slower. That trust you mentioned is earned, and usually very slowly, based on your spouse’s consistent actions.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:07 PM, Tuesday, June 17th]

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. At 5 weeks post DDay, it is normal to be a complete wreck. This is likely the hardest thing I've ever been through. But, years later, I'm very grateful for all the work we both did.

Take baby steps. Do the next right thing for you and you alone. Honor the traumatic situation that has been thrust upon you. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel safe. And, know that this will not be a quick, linear, or in any way predictable process. It will take an enormous amount of time and effort on both of your parts to heal and reconcile...IF that is what you decide to do.

You are right not to trust her. In addition to the vast amount of personal growth she'll need to achieve....SHE needs to be trustworthy. You don't have to trust anything right now. IF she's reconcilation worthy....she will be trustworthy. You may not believe anything she says for a very long time. That's ok. It is on her to build trust. It is on you to learn to trust yourself again. It was a couple of years before I could take a breath and trust that my gut would tell me if things were off. My FWH did a hundred small, daily, things that were trustworthy that I couldn't question. Simple things, like making me a meal when I could barely eat. Letting me sleep when I could. Small things, often. As time went on....and I mean 6-12 month, I could start to list the small ways I did trust him, despite his A. I could trust him to show up for our son. I could trust him to help me when I asked. I could trust him to leave everything and support me when I was overwhelmed. I also gave myself permission to tap-out at anytime things didn't feel like they were going to work for me.

The sex question is extremely personal. You have to do what is right for you. We had a lot of hysterical bonding. Honestly, I looked at him as a stranger who just wanted to make me feel good in the moment. A stranger, because I never imagined this person that I loved would be someone who would have an A. This is probably my way of compartmentalizing....but it worked for me. I gave myself permission to feel good with this "stranger". It helped me...and us. But, that took time too.

In that first year, I didn't decide to stay per se. I decided I would work on healing myself and the marriage, as I had the bandwidth to do. I made no promises to FWS. If he hadn't had stepped up, with a few mistakes (not A behavior, but just being human in response to my pain), I would not be here now. I am glad I stayed. We have a much better relationship now. (even though I never thought it was bad pre-A...we just work better together now with what we've learned). And I hate WHY we got here.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm so sorry. I do promise that you will feel better than this in time. But, get used to it for awhile. You're just going to have to feel all the horribleness to get to the other side.