SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been a while. I needed to take a break. Things have been so much better. I think mostly because I feel healed myself. I am someone who doesn’t dwell too much on feeling down and I get on with things. I was bored of feeling miserable and having arguments in front of the children was having an awful impact on them. I am going out with friends more and focusing on my job.

I think where I am struggling is that my husband, acts like the victim in all of this. He often gets triggered and reminds me

Of things I did in reaction to me finding out. I will occasionally make a snidy comment but I am trying hard to let it go. However, my bringing up the affair is usually a reaction to him, like, he will get really upset that my family don’t really speak to him anymore and he will blame me for this as he feels I really bad mouthed him (which I did) and I didn’t do enough to rehabilitate him to them. I then point out that I found messages to his ap only 8 months ago so rehabilitating him is hard, and his response was to say I should have kept my mouth shut (I am an open book where he is very private.

He also still drinks a lot and recently he has fallen out with his family badly. He feels they took my side and he recently sent some really horrible message to them while drunk.

We both don’t trust each other. Even though I feel it in my gut that, the relationship between him and her is finally dead. I guess my question, is do I need to let this go, this checking if the phone? I maybe do it every few months, I am not sure it is healthy. My husband wants my password and says it isn’t fair that I know his but he doesn’t know mine. If he gets an opportunity, I find he goes through everything, my search history l, all my private message switch friends, where a si tend to look, to see if he is contacting her or not.

My husband isn’t a bad person, he is overwhelmed by shame and recently he has been so apologetic and I think sending those messages to his family was a real wake up call to him and to his family who buried their heads in the sand. They have made some very strong comments to him recently which he is hearing and he is recognising he needs outside help. He also knows that he doesn’t have may people in his life and fears losing me.

[This message edited by Lemonpie at 7:14 AM, Tuesday, December 16th]

So sorry that you're struggling.

Your H is not the victim.

Sending hugs and strength.

I'm really really sorry but...you got "bored" of exposing your kids to adult arguments and a miserable mother, so your solution is to spend less time at home while leaving the children with an active alcoholic????? This is "so much better"????

How much drinking? Alcoholic level? Every day? Passing out?

He isn’t an alcoholic, and I don’t leave him with the kids, I go out when they are out school, go for a run. The children adore him.
He has a really stressful job and manages that really well. He drinks a bottle of wine a day and if really triggered by the above will drink more. He is fine after one bottle, he has built a tolerance to it and is from a country where this is normal to drink this so his family didn’t think much of it before. I think the issue is when he uses it as a way to cope with his feelings and I guess my reason for posting is, even though he is the one that cheated he seems to be struggling more than me to cope with his actions. I struggle with declaring my undying love to him and I probably never will but overall I am ok.

I am so sorry you are struggling. However you are the victim here, not the cheater.

You have multiple issues going on here. First his drinking is a problem. Second his attitude is a problem. Third, his behavior (drunk messaging people) is a problem.

And fourth, your being blamed for the situation/fall out from his affair by the cheater is a problem.

Sooo……the obvious solution is counseling. Counseling for you (alone and apart from the cheater) AND separate counseling for the cheater.

Whether the cheater goes or not, you should go. You need support and advice and direction. Find someone experienced in betrayal /affair trauma.

Clearly your H thinks he can control all of this. Well guess what — he’s no longer ruling the kingdom. Often cheaters want to control things after Dday (discovery day) because they are under the impression that they can. However often they have lost that power but will fight mightily hard to keep that control.

Nothing will change in your marriage if you don’t change. That means stop accepting the cheater’s excuses for the affair, start holding them accountable AND do not allow the cheater to dictate the rules of the marriage and how things will work post Dday.

Your marriage is on shaky ground. Trust is not restored. Therefore you have to act accordingly and protect yourself and kids. Hold your ground. Do not give in to the cheater’s demands. You will regret it in the long run.

That’s my shared experience with the aftermath of affair2 and dday2. Nothing changed until I changed.