Ok Matias I sensed that.
I am blunt with both bs and WS when explaining, please understand it’s to break through the ego bullshit and to accept the reality of things, not to take away hope, I like when people manage to heal and reconnect, it’s to lay out the lies and pitfalls the chaos of betrayal and the trauma associated put on the path of a real reconciliation.
The feelings you experience are absolutely understandable and predictable as you are likely projecting into your betrayed wife the traits you discovered in yourself when you found out you were capable of cheating.
I can tell you that it is not what is going on with her, and it’s your inside voice whispering to you the same stories you have told yourself during the betrayal.
You can quiet that voice by focusing on your healing, often that is caused by low self worth and people pleasing, and I swear I can smell that from your post, along with the unhappiness that you feel while trying to play on the same people pleasing patterns.
And I can feel your pain, you have my sympathy, truly.
Yano’s you likely want to understand what might be happening to her I believe, so here is my guess having worn her shoes.
Physicality death is normal, there could be some in trauma bonding but the intimacy you had is truly dead, she is likely abstaining from it right now because she has been suffering the severance of the emotional connection with you when you destroyed your relationship with the choice to cheat.
Does this mean she doesn’t love you or she is opening to another man? No, it doesn’t work like that. If that was the case she would have already walked.
The fact she is in your life still speaks volumes about how much she loved you, and that she wants at least to try again to build something new.
It might not be yet at a conscious level, many bs initially think about resurrecting the old relationship, but that is a lie the pain tells us, to try desperately to pretend "it didn’t happen ".
Truth is, it happened and the consequences are permanent. You betrayed her. You betrayed yourself. You are no longer the version of you who would never inflict the deepest wound a partner can bring to their significant other.
That version of you is also dead and will never come back. You have to accept this harsh reality first, then healing which means killing the version of yourself who can cheat his woman and bury it in the graveyard next to the innocent version of yourself and your previous relationship with your wife, a painful memento for the new, healed version of yourself, the man who would vomit at the mere idea to do that to your woman and to yourself.
Notice I talked about your healing process here, because that is the true focus for you. You can’t heal your wife, you can’t please her, you can only be present and supportive of the healing she does herself. Soon enough, when she sees you are changing to become a safer person, she will be truly supportive to you as well.
Reformed wayward have it hard because you have been the cause of it all. Betrayed partners suffer deeper to a level you’re likely to never fully understand, but they will heal better than cheaters, because they did not betray their partners and they didn’t betray themselves, that turns the pain into strength on the long run, just after the hellish roller coaster ride through the abyss run its course over the years.
The wife who did not walk, is trading a fast healing and a new life with a safer partner for giving you a second chance that nobody ever deserves. Imagine instead of running away from you who stabbed her, she holds the knife you planted in her heart and your hand holding it, and she keeps walking your path with you at her side instead of tending to her wounds.
This should at the very least answer to your question "did she truly love me?". Yes she did, she likely still does, you don’t suffer like that for anyone. Now it’s up to you to deserve to be at her side.
And the only way is through healing.
You must reconnect from zero with her. That means no pleasing, not feeling unsecured and performing, that means you need to open up completely and show your vulnerability. And I know this terrifies you, it’s understandable.
The lack of sex is what scares you because you connect with her through physical intimacy. She gets physical desire when she connects with you emotionally.
That requires safe attachment.
Betrayal causes the attachment wound to her nervous system, that makes her feel this
I am not chosen, I am not enough, I am replaceable
This is one of the deepest wounds a human can ever experience.
You need to drive her system to heal this wound.
It will be a roller coaster even when sex resumes, if you both are healing right, there will be ups and downs moments when she feels connected and close, moments when she will play mind movies of you with the other woman and will feel the urge to vomit and run away from you.
I must tell you because you need to know the challenges that lie ahead. It is almost universal and impossible to prevent, even if you heal there are bound to be thosE moments, and it will hurt you in many ways. That’s why you must be really strong and grounded to get through those downs, is where all can break (bs developing the ick and ultimately detaching from the cheater). But if you healed enough to get stronger, this is where you can be present at her side and help her heal the attachment wound.
I understand your needs and frustration right now, think if you feel you are ready to face this challenge beyond hysterical bonding, because it is a matter of time before it pops out when intimacy resumes.
What I mean by this is: you likely want to start building (forget rebuilding, is building from zero, new relationship, new foundations) emotional connections with your wife. She is strong, she needs to learn that you can be vulnerable other than regretful, that includes your fears and feelings that you confessed here.
It’s counterintuitive for a WS but for the bs who feels they matter, because you are afraid to lose them, this is a healing balsam.
Just look inside your heart first and clear it from the low self worth issues and fears, it works because you truly feel they matter. It doesn’t work if the push comes from the fear of being alone or abandoned. The first whisper "becoming a safe partner " the second screams "anyone goes, I am replaceable "
Which message do you want to send her and which one do you truly feel right now?
There’s no judgment if it’s the second, but if it is that case you found where your real enemy hides and you can dig him out to eradicate him for good.
