SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife had an affair almost 6 years ago. She has done everything right since then, but I am falling out of love with her. I don't know what to do anymore. I mean, she had an affair with a younger, more attractive man and larger man (down there), but a total loser in every other way. He was jobless, with no prospects, using older women to support his lifestyle. He literally had no job, no prospects, dropped out of college, but my wife went for him because he was young and attractive and fed her ego. Now she totally rejects what she was, but I just don't care anymore. I loved her, found her beautiful, but after the affair, my feelings slowly ebbed. It's like the more effort she put in, the worse my feelings got. I just hate to ruin 25 years of marriage, but I have so many options. I work out at the gym all the time. So many attractive women in the wings. I know that sounds horrible, but what am I supposed to feel? Maybe it is time to divorce and move on. I need some perspective.

Your are not supposed to feel anything.

The fact is when you decide to stay you might do so hoping in an outcome, reconciling what was broken by infidelity with the decision to stay and keep sharing a life together.

The only thing that matters in this process is the healing of your trauma and pain, so you can recover from it and return to your centered function as before the betrayal at the very least, if not even in a better place where you can reach peace and integration.

Do you feel like you reached that stage yet?

About your wife, what she seems to be doing is to work on her then unresolved flaws that allowed her to cheat.

From what you said it seems she made good progress in her healing journey and that she reached some level of integration where her past choices now feel disgusting and repulsive to her in a genuine way, not a performative one.

Does this reflect your observation or she is still in an earlier stage of recovery?

Do you talk about what you feel for each other, does she show up for you consistently and bring up of her own initiative her feelings about now and what used to be?

Was she owning the infidelity and coming clean with no reservations or she tries to keep it compartmentalized and hidden from your daily life, only confronting it if she is forced by you?

Do you actually feel you miss something from her that she is not willingly giving you unless asked?

Do you need it or you just don’t want it, don’t care anymore?

I understand you tried to reconcile, how you think it went/ is going?

The Affair Partner comparison is crushing in the beginning, but he is a worthless person in your life with no power over you, your relationship or your life, beside that temporary moment when she gave him free pass to burn all to the ground, he can’t touch you, he doesn’t even rank on the scale, there’s no point to compare him to you as he is not a contender, he was just a thief snuck in your life from the service door.

I think these are some points that may help you to get clarity where you stand emotionally right now. If this is an integrated conclusion and you finally realized that you don’t want her anymore, or if this isn’t perhaps just another down in the rollercoaster of infidelity recovery.

A question, did you find out 6 years ago and began reconciling or the dday is more recent?

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:10 AM, Saturday, July 18th]

affair with a younger, more attractive man

What do you think her affair said about you?

ruin 25 years of marriage

Is it possible to ruin the past, in the present? How does that work? What is really getting ruined in your statement?

So many attractive women in the wings

if you latched up with one of them, what would that say about you?

Humans are nothing if not storytellers. Every now and then it’s worth pondering on if you are, explicitly or implicitly, trying to tell a story with your life, and if so, how much does adherence to the narrative drive your actions.

Would you be happier not married, but you don’t want to tell the story of the guy who ruined the previous 25 years of marriage (I.e., messed up the story)with an action today?

Are you using the OM, and your wife’s actions, as a yardstick to measure yourself with in your story?

These sorts of things, the desire to be able to say something about our self at some future point in time, the desire to have a good story of who we are, can be incredibly influential.

FoW,

I just hate to ruin 25 years of marriage

You didn’t ruin the marriage. She did - with adultery. Often adultery is a deal-breaker. It is for you, and there’s no shame in that. You gave it 6 years to see if you could reconcile. It’s not working out. This is 100% on her. Tell her you did your best, but her adultery dropped a nuke on the marriage, and it’s dead.

You might want to read up on a poster here named WaitedWayTooLong, who tried for 5+ years to reconcile with his adulterous wife, but also realized her betrayal was a deal-breaker. Let her go.

Don't be here at 7...... years asking the same question.

FoW,

I’m a UW, so I know my perspective comes from the other side of this. Something I’ve thought about while reading your post is that, if my spouse and I were in your situation, I would want to know he truly wanted to be with me. I wouldn’t want him staying because of our history, the years together, or because I had done the work to try to make things right.

At the same time, if he reached a point where he honestly knew he didn’t want the marriage anymore, I would want him to be honest with me. As painful as that would be, I think both people deserve to be in a relationship where they are fully chosen.

Something I’m curious about, and this isn’t meant as a judgment, is this: if there were no other women waiting, no possibility of a new relationship, and you knew you would simply be on your own, would you still feel like you wanted to leave?

I ask because I wonder if that answer might help separate two things: the pain of what happened and the loss of what your marriage used to be, versus the hope and possibility of something new.

Your wife’s work matters, but your feelings matter too. Sometimes someone can do everything right after the fact and the damage is still something the other person cannot move past. I think the most important thing is being honest with yourself and with your wife about where your heart truly is, because both of you deserve the chance to be in a relationship where you are fully chosen.

For me, I tend to agree with fellow member Unhinged — infidelity is a dealbreaker.

It took me awhile then to figure out if I wanted to continue with the M or move on.

We never owe anyone a final chance.

I did wonder what would happen if I found a way to offer grace.

If this person who hurt me evolved into a better version of herself, I was curious would that would look like.

Ultimately, it always takes both partners wanting the relationship.

Ten years in, I’m happy I offered a final chance, but I will always understand why people are done.

I do agree with HouseOfPlane, we definitely have a choice in how the narrative works in our life.

My wife’s choices never reflected a single thing on me, and nothing in our M is ruined.

We have had great days, fun and happy years and horrible days, and unpleasant years — and I find that when I focus on the good stuff (hers and mine) we tend to have better days.

It’s illuminating that so much of your post is devoted to the AP. After 6 years of simmering, the sauce of your emotions have reduced down to what looks to me like resentment.

You, the speculative fiction reader, the tax attorney (no hate brother, I’m an attorney too and pretty much only read speculative fiction), the responsible choice for a spouse and him the antithesis, the hunky loser bad-boy.

She hurt your pride. I feel like what your post is saying is "Guess what WW, I can get a hottie too." You go to the gym too, you’re attractive too, right?

I’m also sensing that you no longer really respect her. Is that fair to say?

To state the obvious, if you no longer love or respect her, it’s doing nobody any good to stay in the marriage.

Just remember: they always affair down. https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/

ForceOfWill, I understand right where you are. BTDT. There's a few differences in our stories, though the plots are similar.

D-day for me was in April of 2015. My exww had a ONS / fling with a serial cheater (seasoned predator) at a trade-show out of town. A few days after her return, I read the text messages between them.

About 6 years later, we separated and then divorced.

In most ways, she was a model formerly wayward wife. She went the distance, owned and fixed her shit.

But! The damage had been done and as much as I wanted reconciliation and tried to convince myself that we had reconciled, I'd fallen out of love with her. We were essentially roommates. After one particular fight, I realized two things. One, I didn't have any fight left in me. I just didn't care anymore. And two, I was never going to love her the way she wanted me to and that wasn't fair to her, or me.

I do not regret trying. I don't regret those years we stayed together. And I certainly don't regret divorcing.

The greatest lesson I've learned in my nearly 60 years is that peace - of mind, body and spirit - is the greatest gift we can ever give to ourselves.

Find your peace, brother.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 6:30 PM, Saturday, July 18th]

You have one life. Live it on your terms. If the marriage doesn’t work for you, be honest and upfront and tell her you want to D.

Just remember the grass isn’t always greener.

One book that helped me work through my conflicted feelings was "Cheating in a Nutshell". Might be worth a read.

I will try to answer your questions, but I am not the most technologically inclined. D-day was about five years ago. The affair ended as soon as I discovered it. Reconciliation didn't begin for a while after that. She went to therapy, so did I and it helped. We told our families, but that was a clusterfuck all its own, which I don't won't to get into right now.

"What do you think her affair said about you?"

Nothing, honestly. She was looking for validation beyond just me telling her she was attractive. She had spent years being "hot" and by forty she didn't see that anymore. I have never thought her affair was about me, but about her own insecurities. Which in some ways makes it worse.

"Is it possible to ruin the past, in the present? How does that work? What is really getting ruined in your statement?" I don't know.

"if you latched up with one of them, what would that say about you?"

It would say I was a cheater. I am not a person that can causally hook up with women. I have only been with two my whole life and I am 47. One was my high school love, who had to move with her family when I was seventeen, and then my wife. For me sex is very emotional. I need to have an connection, that is why this lack of attractiveness bothers me. It feels like sex is reduced to a relief valve of physical release lacking the connection.

NotmyIdentity, I understand what you mean, but so much of my relationship is not bad. I do want to reconcile, that is what is plaguing me. I want to heal, but I am unsure if I can completely. Maybe I can't and divorce is inevitable, but I hate to go down that path if there is a chance. I mean, we love the same movies, songs, vacation spots, etc... So much of our lifestyle fits together.

Letmebefrank, actually it pretty much is a hunk, loser bad boy, but really he is more a con artist. He gets middle aged women to support him. My wife ended up paying for all the dates and "helping" him with expenses, like rent, etc...
As to respecting her, that really hasn't crossed my mind. I guess I really need to think on whether or not I do.

Sorry if I haven't responded to everyone. You all have given me a lot to think on. I am not normally a person that enjoys communicating feelings, so this is a challenge in many ways for me. Thanks again for your responses.

I get this. 26 year marriage, dday was in 2013, I had a 1 and 3 year old and he was a stay at home dad and I’m a physician. He had a bdsm set up with a 20 year old. I was 35 at the time.

We are now 15 years out. I can sit there and say he "did everything" and it’s likely still a deal breaker. But- he didn’t do everything. He just said he did. And continued to tell me he did. He actually did very little to rebuild except just stopped cheating. It’s still not the marriage I want. Stopping cheating doesn’t make me want to be here.

You don’t need to justify your choices to anyone. You can walk because you don’t like the way she chews food. You can walk because you want to go have sex with a 20 year old yourself, and do it on the up and up.

It’s your call.

You get one life.

FoW,

​Some people just aren't capable of reconciliation—I'm certainly one of them. Once that foundational trust and emotional intimacy are shattered, there is no magic switch to flip to bring those feelings back, no matter how much work is put in.

​I know reconciliation is what you want right now, and I truly wish you the best of luck in reaching that goal. You’ve given this five years of honest, hard effort, which says a lot about your character and how much you value the life you built.

​But I just want you to know that if you ultimately find you can't get there, this is not a failure.

​Some people deeply value having a faithful and loyal partner above all else in a relationship. I am wired exactly this way. For people like us, once someone betrays you, you simply can't get that toothpaste back into the tube. The fundamental landscape changes permanently. But walking away from a broken bond doesn't mean you are doomed to be alone, either. It doesn't mean you can't find a truly loyal, faithful partner out there in the future, should you wish to look for one.

​You mentioned that sex has been reduced to a physical release valve rather than the deep emotional connection you need to thrive. That is an incredibly heavy, exhausting way to live. The hard truth of infidelity is that a wayward spouse can do absolutely everything right after the fact, but it still might not be enough to fix what was broken inside of you. You can't logic your way back into attraction, and you can't force a romantic bond to reappear just because you share the same hobbies and vacation spots.

​If you eventually realise that the damage is simply too great and the love has ebbed away for good, throwing in the towel isn't failing. It just means you reached the end of the road, faced the reality of the damage done to you, and chose your own peace.

​Whatever happens, give yourself some grace. You’ve fought hard for five years.

These posts wound me the most, as knowing myself and principles - I can only imagine the torture of wishing I could reconcile with someone but never being able to because of my temperature and attachment to my principles. Though, I've never been there, so pinch of salt.

Good luck but whatever you decide I hope you end up with no regrets and time to find what you're looking for.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 6:44 PM, Sunday, July 19th]

ForceOfWill --

I do want to reconcile, that is what is plaguing me. I want to heal, but I am unsure if I can completely. Maybe I can't and divorce is inevitable, but I hate to go down that path if there is a chance. I mean, we love the same movies, songs, vacation spots, etc... So much of our lifestyle fits together.

Infidelity being a dealbreaker is the door I went through -- I had to figure out what the relationship needed to be for me to stay.

I tried the Marriage 2.0 for a while, but our lives together are more than our failings -- I don't look back too much, but when I do, I include the train wreck days and the happier days.

I had to find a way to see the good in her and not just the bad. If all anyone sees are the the worst in someone in ANY relationship, it is already over,

It ain't easy to get there.

You mentioned your WS' A as being a self-esteem issue, has she addressed that?

If she hasn't changed or shown you her work, it could be a big part of why you aren't healing.

I do want to reconcile, that is what is plaguing me.

I’m going to rephrase that a little, and say that you want to reach a state of reconciliation.

What do you think that state would look like?

I want to heal, but I am unsure if I can completely.

Same kind of question here. What do you think a state of being healed would look like?

One more question to noodle on. Do you think it would be possible to reach a state of healing and reconciliation without growth? Moving beyond who you were before the affair?

DR SOOLER

I just want you to know that if you ultimately find you can't get there, this is not a failure.

Wise words. OP, you embarked on a journey of discovery, not sure what you’d find at the end. You wanted to try, and you were true to yourself. Power to you for doing the hard work.

3yrsout - I've seen the work, the change in her. I went to many of her counseling sessions, saw how she was really working to look at her insecurities and work to reform them. I know she has put in the work. She is different, better even than before.

For me though, I am lost. Every reason to stay sounds like an pathetic excuse, but if I am going to leave, I have to truly know its right. And that's the thing. So many of the thing e do together are happy, and fun, and really great. But her affair, the willingness to go with another guy, is always lingering in the background. I don't want to be ten years out and regretting that I stayed, but I don't want to be ten years out and regretting that I went.

I am not super attractive, but I am above average. I am not Brad Pitt and I don't pretend to be, but after my wife's affair, I have started to notice how many attractive women are out there and looking at me. I never really notice or even thought about it before, now it is so apparent. Now I realize the divorce doesn't have to mean alone forever.

DRSOOLERS - Your post really means a lot me. Your post really resonates and I think that I have to change the dynamic. Whether this means ending the marriage or something else, I just can't keep going down this road.

HouseOfPlane - You ask some of the best questions ever, and I don't Know. What would reconciliation look like and what would healing look like? I don't know. I just know I am not there. That's why I am here. Sharing is not easy for me.

There is never going to be "an answer" that you know is the right decision because you are dealing w/ emotions.

Your first post is a strong "I’m not happily reconciled" while later posts are "I want to be happily reconciled ".

I share this b/c I didn’t want to R initially but decided to give it a shot. For me it worked out and was the right decision. But it took me a year to stop doubting myself.

I now live my life very differently. Am I truly healed? YES! However there are moments that I still feel the pain and trauma of it all. More so about being kicked to the curb is the feeling that takes hold. But I don’t give in to it - I just move on.

Part of being the BS is the whole thing we face - the betrayal, pain, loss of trust, trauma etc. Reconciliation is acceptance and maybe forgiveness and learning to live with a person who betrayed you. And still loving that person etc.

I think you are straddling two different paths here with no clear answer as to direction. The real question is — will you be happier with or without the person who lied & cheated?

For me I knew I would be happy in either scenario b/c that’s who I am. Make the best out of the situation etc. And maybe that is all you can hope for here. That whatever you choose you will be happy.

Again there is no clear path here. You make the choice and then make the best of it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:55 AM, Monday, July 20th]

If you decide to leave that does not mean you are ruining 25 years of marriage. Your wife did something that destroyed the very basis of every relationship, Trust. Trust is given when a relationship starts, but once it is broken it is incredibly difficult to restore because now you see your partner in a totally different light

My wife's AP was 13 years younger than me and 9 years younger than my wife. He struts around the school with a gun and a badge flirting with every woman. I found out he visited every office in the morning to "chat" aka flirt, and my closing in on 50 y/o wife ate it up. He would also hug every woman, according to my wife, when leaving. Of course she never disclosed any of this prior to D-Day.

Talking with my brother one day I said I cannot compete with that guy and my brother snapped back with you never compete for a woman. And he is absolutely correct. Either you are what someone wants, or you are not, but never compete.

At 27 months I am at a stage where I feel ambivalent about the relationship. She did the work and things were going well until two weeks ago when I discovered she had texted with a coworker at her p/t job. We had a very clearly communicated boundary that she was not to text with men. From what I read it was innocent but it took me back in time to D-Day and our R took a huge step backwards hence my feelings of ambivalence.

She keeps talking about our dream of moving to TN in 3 years and building our retirement home. She is focusing on the future, and ignoring the present.

Someone on the forum I was chatting with said "You do not want to pour concrete on top of fears." Very well said.

You need to decide what is best for you regardless of the impact on your wife. She created the situation by making a selfish choice. Sometimes choices have negative consequences.

For me though, I am lost. Every reason to stay sounds like an pathetic excuse....

That looks like your self-talk at work, telling you that you're pathetic.

We take in a lot of ideas uncritically as we grow up, and they turn into self-talk. As adults, we serve ourselves best by bringing the messages to the surface and accepting, modifying, or replacing those messages. Aelf-talk is generated by oneself. IOW, we control our self-talk, so we can change it.

My reco is to listen to what you hear in your head and consciously choose which ones you accept. IOW, I recommend that you surface the messages, evaluate them, and choose what you will do with each message.

IMO, after being betrayed, the best course of action is to dig underneath the self-talk to find out what one really wants and then to emphasize the messages that get you what you want and de-emphasize the messages that don't.

IMO, you're 'hearing' some messages that support R and others that attack you/yourself for wanting R. You get to choose which to follow, but since you're conflicted, a good IC can help you sort yourself out.