Hm. I'm not sure I have a great response but I'll offer something that might be in the ballpark?
It is only recently that I'd say I am really in touch with my thoughts and feelings. Before, I would obviously have thoughts and feelings, but I wouldn't ponder and explore them, make sure they were based on truth instead of projection, and often I would go straight to action without really making sure it had a solid foundation. I spent LONG periods of time walking my dog, alone in a forest, trying to get in touch with my thoughts and feelings. I used to carry around an emotions wheel to help identify them. And I allowed myself pauses when I needed time. So it might be legitimate for you to take the time you need to really get in touch with what is going on inside of yourself, as long as you are not using that time to hope the conversation just goes away.
My husband is also working on this. He is also really not in touch with his thoughts and feelings sometimes. The other day he came home from work and we took the dog for a walk, and at the end, I commented that he seemed a little contemplative, a little distant. He said he was fine. About an hour later, he found me reading in the bedroom and basically criticized and scolded me for something. It was an area of our relationship that we are working on, and I had asked him if it was OK if I background process for a bit while other things in my life are busy, and he had said it's totally fine. That night he said he had been waiting so long for these answers, how could I go about being busy when there are such important things waiting, and so on. I felt totally blindsided. I walked around confused and unhappy for an hour, and then he found me again and said he was worried he had screwed something up at work, people would be angry at him, he would get in trouble, etc (btw, this happens about once a quarter and he has never actually screwed anything up, and is in fact given tremendous responsibility because he is smart, ethical, and detail oriented but he is excessively anxious about these things). After he told me this, I said, that's understandable, but you just chastised me for not working on our relationship. what's going on? He BURST into tears (not so normal for him). In that moment he realized that his lack of self-awareness and avoidance of feeling the fear and shame of his work problem meant that he took it out on me. So that's a long way of saying, lots of people are working on these things. Even people who are not waywards.
My process is this (which I offered to my husband and he finds helpful). I'll feel an emotion. Even comfortable ones, like happiness. I will check the belief that the emotion is based on. I might be happy because things are going my way, my kid got into a prestigious college. I'm tempted to take action - tell all the other mommies and especially that one who is a frenemy. I'll check to see if that's a sturdy foundation. Oops! Happiness that your kid got into a prestigious college is NOT a sturdy foundation. Happiness that your kids got into a college that is a good fit and will help them in the next part of their life IS a sturdy foundation. So I refrain from saying to people my son got into prestigious college and instead say my son is going to this college that is perfect for him (in this case, not the prestigious college he got into and is rejecting in favor of the other one. I bite my tongue not mentioning the other one).
Here's another example. I'll be angry that my boss said something sharp at me in front of people. I'll feel that anger. What belief is it based on? The boss is trying to put me in my place and take me down a notch. Is that valid? In one of my jobs, it was valid. I asked a couple of colleagues who I trust, with an open mind. They shared (gently) that I was not being a team player. The best response was to check myself, apologize, become a team player. In another job, it was not valid. The boss often gave himself permission to be rude. I checked with others (not gossiping) In that case, the action was to make sure my anger had become peaceful, that I had the best intentions for the boss, and to give him feedback.
Does that all make sense? Feel the emotion, check the underlying belief, perhaps check with others, settle the emotion, do the action. It takes time to practice.
[This message edited by Pippin at 10:47 PM, Thursday, April 24th]
