SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been with my husband 27 yrs will be married 21 this month. In jan 2024 I decided to quit drinking so I had trouble sleeping I would journal my husband is a pot smoker hell wake up go smoke and come back to sleep I heard his phone give notifications and didn't think much of it but it eas several times at 2am I had noted it in my journal fast forward I get my monthly text my cell phone bill is due so for shits and giggles I was like let me look what date that was I heard his phone going off I googled the number and it was his female coworker 9xs at 2am and I even wrote he got up o assumed to smoke three was 1 text bsck to thst number. So I decided to just sit on this. Feb 15th a relative was flying in to stay with us my husband casually made a comment about bringing our dog to work amd I lost it.i said you are not bringing our dog in so XX can touch him he's like what ate you talking about I said why did she text you 9xs at 2am? Instead of saying what are you talking about in a concerned way he got super defensive so i pulled it up and swears it never happened I called att they said it happened. My husband shares it was a glitch I said bs only way I believe you to see her phone records so they printed them out but left out that specific day instead o. That day printed calls. Mind u my relative arrived I tried to not put this behind until her visit was over. Ever since then something felt off. He swore it was a glitch so did she bc I called her. Fast forward people who know her said oh your husband works with XX I would be careful she can't be trusted I hope you trust ypur husband. My grandmother fell ill I told my husband I don't feel comfortable with you being friendly with her keep it professional there ofgixes are side by side which he didn't tell me I seen when i brought him a plant for getting a new office, this further irritated me. He continued to tell me they she strictly just does the contracts etc.dadt forward at his xmas party she's like your husband is so nice he's always doing nice things for me...I'm livid.niw I start looking through his phone being a detective be owning someone I'm not but I wanted answers on the ride home he said such horrible cruel words to me calling me CUN$ SPEEDING really nasty I should of left then but my nN was ill amd dying I had alot going on this was topper I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia so dealwas he would no longer interact besides work I believed him I found it strange she would rarely text he'd tell me that projects over I won't be working with her anymore.

Turns out that's a lie.so 2 yrs I've felt insecure of how my husband feels about me I'm not insecure as a person if that makes sense my husband would put me down belittle me make me question my reality, calling me insecure and phyco. Recently he left his work email up on home computer I seen her name and thought he said they don't communicate I went to deleted and found she sent him a flirty email. So I said I think we still hzve a boundry problem he's like what now here we go again I'm not doing this your jealous and phyco I pulled the email up and he's like we are done ypu look they my work email called me degrad8ng names I was so angry I xalled her I asked her why after 2 yrs she's still being unprofessional she said that's absurd I have a new fiance I don't flirt I'm professional maybe it's a you problem what because I'm pretty I said no sweety I'm pretty there are many beautiful women in this world but those women didn't show up on my phone bill ar 2am I wasn't warmed to watch out for them and I'm reading the email myself. I am standing up for my marriage and in that moment I felt shame bc I directed my anger at her when i know it should be on him but I Saud I held this in 2yrs msyve your fiance should see what I see and decide for himself or if you were in my shoes how would you react. My husband is now acting like he's mad at me I pound love the hard truth in people's opinion is I overstepped I feel emotional cheating or maybe more had occurred

Silentlybruised, honestly, your post is a little difficult to understand and seems to be missing a lot of punctuation. Can you run it through a grammar checker to help make it clearer?

I skimmed and got the idea that he's gaslighting you and he's still working with this woman. There is no "glitch" that causes 9 text messages between people (speaking as someone who used to work on communications systems design). The email is another big red flag.

I think you've known the truth all this time. He's not remorseful - he's trying DARVO, lie, and gaslight you. The question is what you're going to do about it. Time for you to stand up for yourself. People can divorce for any reason at all - you don't need proof that he's cheating. If you don't like his behavior, walk away. Unless you present him with real consequences for his actions, he will keep doing whatever he's doing.

Yes, it's kind of difficult to untangle the whole story as written, but in a nutshell I'd say you have good reason to think something is going on, and your husband sounds verbally abusive and gaslighty.

In a nutshell he’s lying and cheating right in front of you.

2 am texts? Oh hell no!

I don’t know how you can stop this but please know we here at SI believe he’s been very dishonest and disrespectful to you.

It's gaslighting. Trying to paint you insane because you are onto something your partner wants to keep hidden from you.

Do not doubt your sanity, trust your instincts.

Hi everyone. I was too emotiowriting the first post. Here is a clear version.
I’m looking for outside perspective because I feel very confused and emotionally stuck.
I’ve been married for about 21 years. For the past 2 years, I’ve had ongoing distress about my husband’s relationship with a female coworker Their offices are next to each other, and they interact regularly at work.
What’s been most damaging is not only the friendship itself, but the dishonesty and defensiveness around it. Over time, I’ve noticed inconsistent explanations, "half-truths," and minimizing whenever I bring up my discomfort. Instead of reassurance, I often feel like I’m being made to feel irrational for even asking questions. My husband always talks so aeeful to me in an conversation with her.
Recently, I discovered more proof of ongoing communication than I was led to believe, which confirmed that he hasn’t been fully honest with me. I became emotionally reactive and ended up contacting the coworker directly, which I regret in terms of how upset I was — but it came from feeling unseen and gaslit for a long time.
The coworker responded politely and claimed nothing inappropriate is happening, but I still feel unsettled because:
the relationship has been kept vague and minimized, she would never look at me when I had been to the office
my husband becomes defensive rather than supportive
I’ve felt emotionally unsafe and unheard for a long time
the ongoing secrecy has deeply eroded trust
At this point, I’m trying to understand whether this fits the pattern of emotional infidelity/betrayal trauma, or if I’m reacting to the dishonesty and lack of boundaries more than the woman herself.
I’d appreciate insight from anyone who has experienced something similar — especially around workplace "friendships," gaslighting, and broken trust.

Get a copy of "Not Just Friends."

Make him read it or read it to him.

Best wishes.

The coworker's words to you cannot be trusted. If something is going on between them, or even if she's nursing feelings for him, she has no reason to be honest with you. I would suggest you don't bother contacting her again.

The real issue is your husband and your marriage. The lies, minimizing, and gaslighting are a problem. Trust your instincts on this one. I remember feeling like my STBX's coworker was too friendly/flirty with him when I met her, but she sort of apologized by email the next day, so I let it go. 6 months later, they were having a full on affair.

I second Formerpeopleperson's book recommendation, but I suspect your husband won't read it given his attitude toward you so far. Remember that contempt and stonewalling are two of the Gottman's infamous "four horseman" in a marriage. His behavior is not okay. That's what you need to focus on.

The only thing that's going to work in this situation is for you to define a clear boundary with clear consequences if he crosses that line. A lot of people have good luck with a polygraph test - not so much for the test questions/results, but because the spouse taking the test will often confess out of fear of failing it. You might consider doing that. Tell him that if he takes the test and passes, you will drop this issue (and then actually do it if he passes).

You said you wished you'd left him 2 years ago, but life got in the way. What is stopping you now?

I get it - you must have been SO pissed when you wrote this, as I would be. Those 2 am text messages are ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. And the fact that other weird shit like the phone company not having that day for her....nah. Your instincts are right on, and if this man cared about you, he would not be attacking you and making out like your're crazy. He'd be trying to comfort you and do whatever he could to put this issue at rest. In any way he could, maybe even considering a new job. So yeah, something is going on with her and a new fiance means nothing....it means she likes to play the field while engaged. She's obviously not marriage material. So what do you do about this....well, let's consider the options: You can keep raising hell with him and keep playing detective. He's gonna keep lying to you and calling you crazy (NEVER STAY WITH ANYONE WHO TRIES TO MAKE OUT THAT YOU ARE CRAZY - NEVER), and he might even enjoy driving you crazy. There are people like this. She sounds like a right bitch too and she probably enjoys your pain too. So talking to him and fighting with him does no good. Your instincts say he's involved with her in some way and I think your instincts are right. You don't send 2am text messages without being involved. Maybe 4pm...but NOT 2am. That's pillow talk. And maybe she thought she'd get him on a smoke break, but maybe she likes the idea of being competitive with you because she's "pretty".....so what, with enough make-up on even I get a few guys at age 70.

So what can you do about her - well, if you've contacted her and that does no good. She's brazen and I think she enjoys the conflict. OH THE DRAMA! You can tell HR but....what proof do you have and this couple will make out that you're crazy even though the other folks there know what a POS she is. You can tell the fiance....but he's probably in love and bamboozled and won't believe you. He'll have to learn the hard way, alas.

So I think your best bet, is to collect what evidence you have, put together your financial records, and go talk to a divorce lawyer. I am absolutely serious, yes, I DO think that lying, and gaslighting and continually involving this bitch in your lives IS grounds for divorce. You know what's going on and he's showing massive disrespect to you and getting away with it. This is a guy who does not respect you or your marriage or the boundaries you've tried to set. So I say go whole hog, go for the divorce. Even if you have kids, you don't want to live like this....IMO, both of them are enjoying this at your expense and the best way to handle it is to pull out of the game. It's the only way you can win. And don't let him pull you back in. You deserve a better man and believe me.....you can find one. DON'T PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT. They'll give you as much as you're willing to take. And this is not gonna stop just because she has a fiance.....she wants the WHOLE COLLECTION.

Ah....I hate to say it but....get an STD test. And seriously do file, this is not going to get better. This guy does not respect you or your marriage. NEVER stay with someone who tries to make out that you're crazy - eventually they will drive you there. I've seen it. Lay the hammer down!!!

The book GIFT OF FEAR was written by a cop. The premise of it is that we often have feelings and thoughts that we ignore because we think we’re supposed to. Think about a herd of deer and how as they’re grazing they hold their heads up and watch back-and-forth as they are constantly on guard. It keeps them safe and they will run at the drop of a hat. Your body has the same defense mechanisms but because you have been civilized you ignore it. We all do. His book is usually about physical safety out in the public area, but there’s also a lot of good information generally. Your body has been telling you for two years that there’s something stinking going on with your husband and you keep trying to second-guess yourself that maybe it’s not that bad. Well, yes it is, because he knows you’re upset and he keeps doing it anyway. That means he is a piece of s**t. I agree, you have more than enough information to go talk to a lawyer and decide whether you even want to stay married or not. You don’t have to put up with anything. You have the right to get on with your life and leave him in the dust.

The coworker responded politely and claimed nothing inappropriate is happening, but I still feel unsettled because:

the relationship has been kept vague and minimized, she would never look at me when I had been to the office

my husband becomes defensive rather than supportive

I tell you something very straight forward:

You are unsettled because you know she is involved with your husband.

Her politeness is a clue not a relief.

If you were accused to be cheating with someone else husband would you react politely? Only if you WERE doing something. Otherwise you would feel insulted, as basically you are being called out as a "home wrecker slut".

Does this ring a bell?

Another thing, guys are not THAT friendly with female coworkers, no matter how fond you are, the relationship is light, because if it isn't then sex is involved (whether they sealed the deal or not yet) the moment it becomes too intimate.

IF they keep it without physical affair it is still Emotional Cheating, for you is devastating nevertheless no matter if they were in bed together or not.

The defensiveness and ambiguity are the classic clue he is guilty, so instead of admitting he's a shitty person he chooses to gaslight you, like he choose to pursue this girl.

Want to hear some gaslighting excuses cheaters use to deny they are cheating on their partner?

- If is just desire is not cheating

- if it's just spending time alone talking intimately is not cheating

- If is just emotional is not cheating

- If it's just cuddling is not cheating

- If it's just kissing is not cheating

- If it's joust 'touching' to pleasure each other is not cheating

- If it's "just the tip" is not cheating

- If it's with condom is not cheating

- If it's just one time is not cheating

- If it's just occasionally is not cheating

- If it's just for few months is not cheating

- If they still are with their betrayed partner is not cheating
(all make no sense is cognitive dissonance)

I am sure you got a few, edited and edulcorated versions fo the excuses above from you Husband or his Affair Partner.

Trust your guts, read about the 180.

He is NOT stopping = he does not give a shit of your distress for his "work wife" ==> this is the most damning evidence he is cheating on you.

Time to protect yourself now, the damage that betrayal can do to you is devastating, you matter, your emotions matter, your self esteem matters. He and her do not matter at all in this moment, think about yourself, 180 and make him understand this is a deal breaker for your relationship, you are ready to move on and drop him in the mud where he belongs.

That's the only message a cheater gets.

IN this moment he thinks you are an idiot and he can have his ways as he likes, is normal cheater behavior, selfishness and a pinch of narcissism medicating an unprocessed low self worth by crushing their beloved ones in their mud.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:55 AM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

BackfromtheStorm

I am sure you got a few, edited and edulcorated versions fo the excuses above from you Husband or his Affair Partner.

Edulcorate?! - transitive verb
To render sweet; to sweeten; to free from acidity.
Similar: edulcorated
To free from acids, salts, or other soluble substances, by washing; to purify.
Similar: purify
verb
To sweeten (in all senses).

Did I just learn a new word from someone who speaks English as a second language??

By golly, I did! Um, thanks Storm! Lol.

Silentlybruised,

At this point, I’m trying to understand whether this fits the pattern of emotional infidelity/betrayal trauma, or if I’m reacting to the dishonesty and lack of boundaries more than the woman herself.

I'm sorry, but I'm in agreement with the others. You're reacting the way you are because your gut is screaming at you that something doesn't smell right, and I think your gut is spot on. You're seeing enough red flags to throw a Chinese parade.

Even if it's just a case of a co worker with poor boundaries, your husband should not be reacting the way he is. You're seeing half-truths, dishonesty, defensiveness, deflection, and even DARVO. Even without infidelity that's terrible behavior. Those are all bad signs and classic wayward behavior. You're not losing your mind or overreacting. Your husband, however, is totally overreacting.

Did I just learn a new word from someone who speaks English as a second language??

By golly, I did! Um, thanks Storm! Lol.

Haha glad to have brought up something positive for once.

English is a mix of latin, celtic, french and scandinavian so many words still have common roots (probably you have more latin roots than modern day italian).

@Silentlybruised

Some helpful exercise you may try, is put down on paper everything.

What you are told, how it makes you feel.

When you verbalize it it will be easier for you to see clarity.
Your mind is in shock and high alert, you hear but it's difficult to process.

Doing that may help you to actively process the emotions into words, then your conscious mind can grasp it and you can see through it better.

Silentlybruised - so sorry you're here. But glad you found SI. Please keep posting! You'll get great support here.

The pain and anguish in that original post is palpable. I could feel it jumping off the screen. Glad you didn't clean it up or remove it. That post is a testament to your distress, but also shows resilience - you're rightfully angry. In the cleaned up second version you edited out all his verbal/emotional abuse, bullying and "we're done" threats. This is telling. And you left out the angry speeding (road rage!) event. Bet that isn't his only road rage display! Seems you're not only questioning if the infidelity is real, you're trying to discount his abusive behaviors and second guess whether or not his abuse is what it seems to be. So, I'm going to name it as I see it = he's an emotionally abusive person. Road rage with you in the car while verbally abusing you (assume he was also yelling) is ABUSE - full stop."Acting like he's angry" (stonewalling, silent treatment, displays of rage) is emotional ABUSE. Calling you vile names, gaslighting and belittling you is ABUSE. Accusing you of being psycho is ABUSE. A pattern of LYING and DARVO in intimate relationships is ABUSE. Hope my impression and POV that this is abuse - not only infidelity - is resonating.

Listen to your gut! Your internal alarm system is sounding a clanging alarm, but two years (or more?) of him gaslighting your reality, being the target of his emotional abuse and his bullying have beaten you down; muffled your self-protective reflexes. You're doubting those alarm bells - you're trying to silence them. No, you're not over reacting. You did not "overstep"! Good heavens with people saying you're overstepping ON TOP of his abuse and gaslighting it's no wonder you're spinning! Checking his phone and email are IMO healthy acts of self-preservation when reality is crumbling around you while he lies that the truth is not truth. SB, your mind and body are warning you. Please listen to your internal warning system - not him - not those so called friends. Certainly don't listen to OW's nonsense. It's okay to trust what your mind/body is telling you. Believe what you see and know - that it's time to protect yourself!

Please don't put all the focus on untangling his infidelity- spending too much precious energy figuring out is it emotional, is it physical, is it her or is it your reaction to her, is it even real, etc. etc. Even if it is some "work wife" friendship (barf), and you're truly over reacting (you're not), does that excuse his abusive shitty treatment? Gently, in other words, is this emotionally abusive relationship acceptable to you?

You've felt emotionally unsafe for a long time, correct? Wondering about the fibromyalgia. Does he also gaslight and accuse you of overreacting/fabricating the myriad symptoms of this very real disease? Hope the official diagnosis, while upsetting, also validates the all-too-real brain fog and pervasive pain you suffer. Fibromyalgia is real! At the same time, the body's reaction to emotional abuse/trauma, like what you're struggling with, can exacerbate fibromyalgia symptoms. A great basic trauma recovery starter-resource book = "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. His book explores how trauma (like intimate partner emotional abuse) physically reshapes the brain and body, leading to lasting effects. He also offers hope through treatments that go beyond traditional talk therapy, such as neurofeedback, yoga, and EMDR, to help trauma survivors reclaim their lives.

Time for you to stand up for yourself. People can divorce for any reason at all - you don't need proof that he's cheating. If you don't like his behavior, walk away. Unless you present him with real consequences for his actions, he will keep doing whatever he's doing.

THIS. Agree - it's time to protect yourself. Here's some suggestions. You're in charge - you have agency - so hope these suggestions are helpful and don't feel instructive or bossy.

Girlfriend, you need all the support you can get right now. Those people who accused you of overstepping don't sound supportive! So, rally a professional support team to help stay strong while struggling with this nightmare.Are you in individual counseling? IC just for you (NOT marriage counseling!) could be a big help to sort through options, set boundaries and envision a different future - whether you go or stay. Someone trained in trauma recovery and intimate partner abuse would be ideal. In addition to IC, reach out to your doctor for help, and get STD testing including HPV pelvic exam.Don't be embarrassed to discuss temporary meds for sleep, anxiety or depression if needed. They've heard it all. ***ETA: Tell the fibromyalgia doc what's going on. They might be able to help get therapy, or treatments like EMDR or neurofeedback covered by insurance - if your plan is stingy about therapy.*** Please also talk to a lawyer or two. Knowledge is power, and understanding what your options are could help gain some equilibrium. What does separation vs. divorce look like in your legal jurisdiction? What are your legal rights in the marriage? Doesn't mean you have to separate right this minute but understanding rights could help to protect yourself.

One of the most impactful things you can do for yourself is to dive into learning about domestic partner abuse. DV/ Partner Abuse is not just physical violence! Sorry to say deceptive sexuality - including affairs - are a tool in the tool kit of abusers.DV Abuse can also be purely psychological, covert and subtle. He may never have hit you, but it's possible the subtle type of abuse may have ratcheted up over time and even felt normal because you grew used to it - like the proverbial frog slowly boiled in the proverbial pot of water. Finally, abuse is not a result of his shame, or caused by your behavior - things you did or didn't do that "upset" him. Abuse is all about power and control.

If you recognize the possibility that emotional abuse is a pattern in the marriage, or even suspect it (as I do!), suggest calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE. Use them as a sounding board - physical violence isn't their only criteria. They can triage the situation and assess threats. The hotline can also recommend a local DV organization to link up with, and other online resources to learn about domestic partner abuse. Local women's DV groups can recommend a therapist, might offer in house support groups, and pro bono legal aide referrals if the logistics of separation or divorce feel overwhelming or if you're financially dependent.

Hang in there! You can do this. Stay strong, stay safe, stay alert. Protect yourself. And TRUST yourself! Listen to your mighty inner voice - the voice that's telling you "I know what I see here". That voice is also telling you "I deserve better!"

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 8:32 PM, Wednesday, February 4th]