SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my SI friends, I’m here again.

I’m sad and angry, I had a meltdown this morning, mostly because I feel angry that my H was blind to exactly what AP was and heartbroken that he didn’t protect me. It’s hard to accept that love doesn’t guarantee protection or safety.

I’m angry that for 14 years he was manipulated by his mother who’s main goal was to get rid of me and our boys, then he met AP a few years after his mother died who’s main goal was also to get rid of me and our boys.

I’m angry that I don’t understand or believe his A story, it just doesn’t make sense and I don’t think it ever will and I don’t like this.

I’m angry that now my arse has been firmly planted in reality and I’m left looking at the absolute horror of what my husband did my brain has now started wanting to excavate again, I don’t like this.

I’m angry and insulted that he chose to cheat with such low level scum. Sex workers and a coworker that in all honesty he’d have been better going in the gents toilet, lifting the seat up and licking around the rim of the bowl, it’s probably been used by less men at work and would have been much cleaner. I’m 100% convinced that it was because my H’s kissy wissy A that I got Bell’s palsy at the height of the covid pandemic and was admitted to hospital for 4 days because I have a brain condition that they needed to keep their eye on, I was placed on a COVID ward, he could have fu@*ing killed me and I’m as mad as a bear with a sore arse about that.

I bring all of this to him, he’s remorseful, heartbroken, apologetic, takes all of the rage and will sit in every ounce of pain and cry with me, this also makes me angry because he’s doing everything right and he has done for a long time.

You know, I do love my H dearly, we get on so well together, we enjoy each others company and we can still laugh together until our tummies hurt (mostly about my rage recently) I really don’t want to lose my family and have decided that I want to give R a really good try but I’m just concerned about this absolute agony pit I get myself in to. Once I get in the pit I just can’t see a day where I won’t be in pain. It really is hard to stay in the present and focus on the now.

I had my exit from my M planned a long time ago, I knew what I was going to do if needed and sometimes I think the escape from pain would be to go but the thought of never seeing my husband again knocks me sick, I know that I’d grieve for him terribly and the thought of being with another man repulses me, I couldn’t ever invest in a man ever again, it’s simply not worth the risk. I’m perfectly fine with my own company and I’d get myself a dog best friend.

I’m not really sure what to do with my own head right now as there’s a lot flying around in there, not weather to stay or go I’m staying for now but I think I’m getting tired of the roller coaster, I’m getting physically ill now too and I think it’s because of this, back, neck and stomach pain, the reason I think it’s because of this stress is because when I had a meltdown this morning I screamed and cried and shouted and my back pain has lessened drastically. I’ve done 13 months of hell and I’m ok with the 3-5 year healing period but I just want advice on how to stop this bull shit ride or at least get a significant improvement.

I have read on here that it is ok to detach for a while, well I must be abnormal because that will not work for me, if I detach I’m gone there’s no going back, that’s just how I am.

I think I need a good talking to so I’m hoping that my SI friends will help me out with that.

You will go through stages, shock, grief, anger, and so on.

It's perfectly natural what you are feeling. Embrace it and let it flow, it needs to be processed.

About detachment, it's not easy, do not worry. Detachment means being self centered, not caring anymore.
You obviously care, so you are not there.

While you are trying to reconcile detachment is difficult, it means keeping distance and boundaries more than pure detachment (that happens when your are not on good terms with your partner, different than in your situation).

It serves to protect you, is not a punishment to the WS.

If detachment means being selfish then I’d say I’m half way there, when it comes to my H yes I put myself before him now but my children no, absolutely not.

I’d say that my husband and I have switched roles when it comes to being self centred, one example is his place was in his garage, it’s my garage now, I told him that the next engine rebuild he was going to let me do it. I’m currently rebuilding a 2.0D ingenium engine, I just put the oil pump on, I even decided which one to buy, I went with a Hepu one and when it came we were so happy because it’s OEM……anyway he wouldn’t ever have had the patience to show me this before but now he’s so patient and he’s even enjoying teaching me, I love it although I’m nervous something might go wrong when we turn it over. He’s also taught me how to fully service my car and I’ve also changed the break discs and pads.

I’m not afraid to ask for what I want anymore and I tell him what I need. He asked me if I’d ever thought about how he feels and what he’s going through the other day, he didn’t ask in a selfish way he just was curious, I told him the truth, I’ve barely kept my head above water for the past year, rarely have I given you or your feelings a single thought and I don’t intend to any time soon either. That’s the truth, I’m not saying that to be mean but I need to think of myself first I can’t think of him or I’ll drown.

Bruce123 - what you're going through is SO normal and SO common. Don't feel like you're the only one, so many people go through - these moments - or hours or days - of rage or sadness or wanting to be alone or wanting to be together or being snarky to praying - every emotion you can think because infidelity shakes people to their very core. It alters people's REALITY. Here you think you know this man, this life partner, this part of your life for how ever many years, and....well...YOU DON'T!!!! He does this thing you can never imagine with someone....you could never imagine....and how do you integrate this knowledge into your understanding of who he is. It's so very hard. Now you know a big part of him, which includes lying and perhaps other bad behaviors, that you would never have seen before. This is the complete person, the shadow side of the person we thought we knew. There are just times in life, where the bad part of someone comes out and we have to decide if we can live knowing this IS part of him or her, or if it's too bad to live with. Like if you're married to an Epstein....nah, who can live with that. Or if you're married to a Bernie Madoff....maybe, maybe not. Sometimes you see something about someone that profoundly changes how you view them, and the lying really hurts particularly esp if they're good at it, you just don't know what you have anymore. Who is this person? Maybe that's a conversation to have with hubs - WHO ARE YOU? WHO WERE YOU WHEN YOU DID THIS? WHERE DID THIS COME FROM WITHIN YOU? Maybe it will help to integrate this side of him, maybe it won't.

I'd say be patient with yourself, give yourself time to recover - sometimes it takes years. Frankly I think it takes longer in recon than in people who divorce. Because in living with someone you have constant triggers that you don't have on your own. Maybe if you have some intense waves of emotion come over you, you might want to go off on your own to experience them alone rather than aiming them at him - unless you WANT to aim it at him! - and detox on your own - you might need to tell him this is going to happen periodically and unexpectedly and he has to put up with it. It's part of the price of admission. Maybe you can even take off for a hotel or a friend's house or whatever you can afford if your nerves get too raw. Another thing to do is to express your anger in a physical way - maybe through boxing something in the basement of breaking some cheap pottery or something non-harmful where you can get out physical energy and maybe scream too. I think it can help to just get rid of the kinetic energy of anger. Wear yourself out instead of directing it at someone else.

I don't know if these ideas are helpful but you might consider them. As for the AP - well, people often trade DOWN!!! It's a very common phenomenon. I guess it might have to do with availability - someone's willingness to BE an AP. This is probably not the highest class of person available. It's probably someone who has low standards or doesn't think much of themselves. I think there's a thread on here somewhere - it might be in general - and I think the name is "they always trade (or cheat) down". You might look for it. It might also be that if you're gonna do dirty deeds....you do them with a dirty person! It might be a reflection of what your husband thinks of himself or the activity he was doing. There is nothing positive in cheating so it's an inherently negative experience - to do or have done to....so someone who sucks may be most appropriate.

It took me 3 years to get out of the phase you are going through.

One thing that helped me start to move away from the pain and anger was to remind myself hundreds of times per day that the OW has "won" for every second I am miserable. So did his mom but that’s another saga for a different site. Suffice to say she didn’t like me. Ever.

It helped me to start living more in the present moment and stop looking in the rear view mirror.

Hope this helps you.

Bruce,

I think the first emotion many BS feel is fear.

Fear for themself, for the marriage, for the kids, for the lifestyle, for their reputation, etc.

But eventually you process all that, all of the possible outcomes.

You wade through it all: maybe divorce, maybe reconciliation, does he love me, do I love him, what about the kids, do I get a job? All of that.

And as you sort it all out, the fear lessens.

And as the fear lessens, there’s room for other emotions.

And here comes the anger, and the sadness.

They will lessen, too.

Best wishes.

I’ve done 13 months of hell and I’m ok with the 3-5 year healing period but I just want advice on how to stop this bull shit ride or at least get a significant improvement.

I can let you know what worked for ME...but each of us heals differently so what works for one may not work for another. I have read through some of your past posts and you have definitely been suffering with this for a while (((HUGS))).

I had done research on our brains and how they work. Our brains are actually quite AMAZING...but they sometimes become our worst enemy when we try to do something and it seems our brain is doing something else !! The GOOD news is that we can retrain our brain !!

Some things you may want to read up on are "limbic system", "lizard brain", and "neural pathways". Our limbic system records EVERY experience we have. If something similar comes up...it could be a few days or even 30 years...our limbic system...or lizard brain...instinctively takes over. This is where we get our "flight", "fight", or "freeze" response. This was why I told my 2nd H that the M was over...with no emotion whatsoever...after he confessed to his A. I had lived a similar experience 30 years earlier when I caught my 1st H with the adultery co-conspirator...and my lizard brain acted immediately upon hearing my 2nd H's words. It was like I was watching a movie on that Dday...and the heroine was a BADASS !

Obviously, my 1st M ended in D. So when my 2nd H and I started talking about R an hour later...my lizard brain was working overtime to get me OUT of this M too! As my H kept proving that I could trust him...I allowed that experience to calm my lizard brain . It felt very WEIRD at first...because my body was saying NO!!! But I learned that I couldn't retrain my lizard brain by LOGIC. It can only be retrained by EXPERIENCE. So I let that experience of my H being a changed person teach my lizard brain that it could calm down .

Triggers were a MESS! So I decided to take each trigger and DEFEAT it . Knowing that these triggers were part of the fight, flight, or freeze response...I let that feeling run its course. Then I would find something that would bring about a positive experience. This was MY LIFE...and I would be DAMNED if I let what they did disrupt MY LIFE!! It was a mission I was on...and I sometimes felt like a bull in a china shop by slamming these triggers into submission ! Once I saw how it helped me in combating the triggers...I kept at it until every one was defeated ! I have since learned though that triggers can come out of nowhere and they seem to be endless . So I acknowledge the trigger...put it where it belongs...in the PAST...and move on with a more positive attitude .

I also learned that our neural pathways tend to stay on the path of least resistance. It was EASY for me to think of my H and the adultery co-conspirator as the enemy...because they were! The adultery co-conspirator did apologize to me in an email "if she did anything to hurt me" ...but a few paragraphs later she deliberately LIED to me to try and hurt me !! Even though she wanted to stay an enemy...I learned to not only forgive her...but pray for her too. It is kind of hard to stay mad at someone you are praying for !

For my H...I would think positively about the things he was doing NOW. NOW is what counts !! Seriously...it didn't matter how GREAT my H was in the past 28 years of M. The A he had for 9 1/2 weeks while he was working overseas negated ALL of it . So it stands to reason...his complete change after the A was SOMETHING . It took until about year 3 before I decided to take D off of the table...but as I saw that my H didn't waver in his commitment...it helped me to heal .

POSITIVITY was the key for me . The negative thoughts and actions were hurting me physically and mentally. But being positive actually HELPED me. I had relapses...but I knew that I did have control over my thoughts. Our THOUGHTS dictate our FEELINGS. When I started having negative thoughts I would try to immediately replace them with positive thoughts...mostly about our grandchildren .

It took me a little longer than most...about 7 years...to feel like I was HEALED. But I was getting better a little at a time from some of the "tools" I used to get me to a better place .

Year 1 was doing as much discovery as I could. I found that although my H had a PA while overseas...he was actually having OA's for almost 2 years before he decided to make it physical. You have just passed your 1 year of discovery. The ANGER phase hit me around the 6 month mark...and you seem to be in that right now as well. It SUCKS...big hairy gorilla balls sucks...but it is a NORMAL cycle. So...you are normal...just like the rest of us on here !!

A sweet BW mentioned on here one time how she would take paper plates filled with water and put them in the freezer. Once they were frozen...she would take these "ice plates" outside and SMASH them on her cement patio. She said the feeling of SMASHING these "plates" would make her feel better...and there was no cleanup involved...the smashed pieces would just melt !! That may be a way for you to let your anger out without causing too much damage . I found out about this AFTER my poor soup serving spoons and inside car door were beaten all up !!!

I do want to say that the 2nd year of R was actually worse for me than the 1st. I spent so much time that 1st year looking at everything I could to find out about my H's A...and his previous OA's. I did research to find out all kinds of things and did not rugsweep anything. I was THAT crazy lady who even looked up images of vaginas so that I could find out what the adultery co-conspirator's looked like . I wanted to know EVERYTHING...but looking back...that was a bit extreme !

During the 2nd year I was at a point of "now what"? The shock had worn off and I was left with the REALITY of what my life was. Thankfully the vets on here let me know that I was in the stage of the "Plain of Lethal Flatness". There is a brief article about it in The Healing Library...in the Articles section...under the Recovery/Reconciliation link.

I see that you write what you need to write on here...and that is GOOD ! Keep writing...nothing is too silly or too fanatical .

It has been over a decade now since my Dday...and I can honestly say that being on the OTHER side of infidelity...with my very remorseful and LOVING H...is AWESOME !! In order for R to be successful...BOTH parties have to be ALL IN. Your H seems to be that way. It is perfectly NORMAL for you NOT to be that way. He's had a several years head start on his healing from what he did. HE knows what is in his heart...but you don't...not for sure...yet. One day though...if he is consistent...you WILL know . You will see that not only have you survived infidelity...you can THRIVE despite it! I'm living proof !!!