SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yep! Logic doesn't apply. That's for sure, friend.

I basically agree, in a weird way, that the deception necessary for betrayal puts it into a different category than openly pursuing other people.

There is something to the claim "I didn't mean to hurt you", pretzel logic it though it may be, that differentiates cheating from unilaterally, and openly, declaring the relationship open.

And the sort of person that would make such a crazy unilateral decision openly is someone who is not a hypocrite (which is something we all are to some degree) but both declares and acts in a manner contrary to our values. There is nothing to resolve because it's a fundamental misalignment in values.

A cheater at least declares adherence to shared values but acts in a manner contrary to them. Here there is something to resolve. If we choose to believe a hypocrite is willing or trying to reform, then we can become aligned in behavior. We can seek out the patterns of thought and behaviors that the hypocrite has used to justify their actions. To identify them. To reform. To do their best to live up to their purported values.

I think if the switch to deception never occurs, most cheaters wouldn't cheat. They would openly share their feelings, identify they are not appropriate, and avoid the slippery slope.

I think if the switch to deception never occurs, most cheaters wouldn't cheat. They would openly share their feelings, identify they are not appropriate, and avoid the slippery slope.

This is why in infidelity-related books, they say to imagine if your partner is with you, and ask yourself whether your behavior would be any different if they were really there. If the answer is "yes," you need to put space between you and the person with whom you're acting inappropriately, or with whom you're thinking about acting inappropriately. That's where the boundaries need to be drawn.

Unfortunately, sometimes people know where the boundaries should be, and still rationalize why they can go just a bit further past that point, and a bit further... and then they wonder how they ended up in a full blown affair.

This reminds me of a former member I respected who said she told her H that she'd cheat if he didn't make some changes. He said, 'OK.' She cheated. He was a standard issue BS. She learned she was a standard issue WS - remorseful, but permission hurt them. Permission didn't help.

IOW, the impact of betrayal is often much different in the event, if you will, than either partner expected the impact to be.

Thanks for the responses everyone. It's taken me a bit to get back to this thread - busy week.

Below is my summary of what I took from all of your comments:

- Logic is not a factor, affairs are emotional wounds. You don't know what you will do until you feel it.
- Both staying and leaving are acceptable responses to this situation.
- She did not choose infidelity because of me or because I'm not enough. The affair was not actually about me.
- Her choices do not reflect on my character at all. They are 100% on her. I am not responsible for my wife's bad character.
- I need to give myself grace for not knowing what I know now.
- Trying to salvage the marriage is not a character flaw, and it's worth it to try everything possible before giving up as long as I don't abandon myself in the process. It's better than feeling like I gave up too early.
- Infidelity is a reset button that frees both people to choose the relationship they really want.
- Evidence of genuine change will help my cognitive dissonance about this go away.
- Infidelity might still be a deal breaker for me even if she does everything possible, and even if I still love her.
- Every day I have a choice. I don't need to feel trapped.
- Don't tie my happiness to another, and don't let love blind you to the costs of staying in an unhappy marriage.
- Trust your gut.

Tasks for me:
- Monitor my self talk, and try to let go of the outcome.
- Spend more time building myself up rather than beating myself down for past mistakes.
- Dig into why I don't assert myself more.
- Push for the marriage I want. Don't settle.

Terrific summary! Great! I recommend coming back to it every day until you've got it memorized in your body.

WRT tasks, I suggest replacing 'dig into' your diffidence to something like 'learn to effectively assert myself in my own best onterests'.

Also, I see you resisting many suggestions, so you're already asserting yourself, but perhaps not in your best interests yet. You're a lot stronger than you think.

sisoon
Can you help me see what I'm missing? How would you modify my summary?