SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It all comes down to you first.

What you feel is your compass for what you need. You don’t feel like love can come back? Is fine.

You feel you can forgive the fuckup to some extent? Is also fine.

Truth is you can’t neither change nor influence the other person. They are who they are. Is up to them to change or keep up.

You also are who you are. Is time to own it and look for what you want.

Doesn’t mean you have to be offended or angry for life with the other person. You know they are capable of sacrificing you and destroying everything you hold dearest in your intimate deeper self for a caprice.

That’s their true colors.

Can they change? Yes if they truly want it.

Shall you hope / wait / accept it? No, you can do it, but only if you feel like.

You don’t have to leave unless you want to. You don’t have to stay unless you want to. You don’t have to reconcile unless you feel it. You don’t have to harbor resentment unless is felt.

This is a person with some good sides and some giant freaking flaws.

You accept who they are, but above anything, you accept who you are.

They have no power over you anymore, not to harm you, not to soothe you. You control your boundaries and you alone define who can step in and just how far they are allowed in.

If they bring you things you like, take it. Everything else shall sit forever banned from your inner peace.

And pursue what you want. Wether is a future with them, with you alone, with another person, it’s your call to make.

And nobody else has any say in this.

As long as you respect yourself and live in that honesty and self acceptance, you’re going to be just fine.

Thank you First wife...I definitely lost sight of anything good the past few days. Feeling better today, I have a good new audiobook I am listening to, The Great British sewing Bee to watch on TV tonight and I'm having a good hair day! 😁

Thank you backfromthestorm. Actually the one positive to come out of all of this is that I actually like myself for the first time in my life. I never sought proper counselling for my childhood as it felt self indulgent so when DD came and I started therapy I finally healed my childhood wounds, realised I am good person, with good morals and a ton of authenticity and integrity and discovered my undiagnosed neurodiversity. What's more, I put my husband on a pedestal thinking he was so strong during the early years of our children when we were stretched with work, financial pressure and neurodiverse kids, whist I believed I crumbled with anxiety and depression. Turns out I was the strong one keeping the bloody ship afloa whilst my husband turned to escapism through work and an affair!

Feels good to finally like and be proud of myself even if it took 44 years 😀

[This message edited by Evio at 1:04 PM, Tuesday, September 1st]

Love the transformation.

You always were stronger than you thought.

Plus I 💕 a good hair day too!

Wood thrush thank you for your reply. It's weird how calmness can trigger us. I remember ruminating for ages over my childhood trauma and sibling estrangement the infidelity came along and took centre stage!

Another positive though is I've given up the need to control things...weather going to be bad tomorrow? Oh well. Plan delayed? Oh well. Car broke down again. Oh well. I realise there really is no point worrying about things out of my control. I think the difference with infidelity is it's not worrying it's grieving and that I'm learning cannot be dismissed as easily, the only way is through.

I've deleted this message as I felt I overshared sharing our private messages.

[This message edited by Evio at 9:49 PM, Thursday, September 3rd]

It could be he is giving up — or hoping you will give up what you require.

You could ask.

If he is giving up, then you really do have an answer.

If he truly feels like any fix would be temporary, I don’t like that red flag as it could apply to him ‘reverting’ on other bad behaviors.

That feels and sounds unsafe.

I honestly think this is why your healing has been slow.

Your gut, your brain is protecting you.

I think it's both oldwounds. He just wants the shame to stop and to go back to compartmentalisation in whichever way he can. I think the hardest thing for him is that his affair came when I was most vulnerable is pregnancy and post partum and he has now opened his eyes and realised the damage it did to my mental and physical health being emotionally abandoned during this time and even my son's development. That is what he is afraid to face

He is basically choosing avoidance over me and our sons.

I'm just not capable of what's required'

Ouch. I've recently been on the receiving end of that statement (no R involved) and it's an awful thing to hear. On one hand, you think - at least they're being honest, but then you're left with the reality of what that honesty is telling you. On the other, you can start reading into the statement, wondering if they mean they're just not capable for you. At least that was my experience.

I spent a lot of time on these boards in the late 2000s and I've always admired the folks that have worked and grown and done all they can to heal their marriages after infidelity. Not even knowing you or your history, I can tell you've come a long way. You sound like you have a good sense of self and healthy self-respect.

You know your husband best to know if this is a temporary setback or not. But I would ask you, what would you want for a good friend or relative in this situation?

Evio - so sorry for what you are currently experiencing. I identify with your husband's feelings and have found myself some days wishing I could return to being a master compartmentalizer (hard to break habits formed as a child and reinforced for 40 years) rather than be present with the guilt and sadness that my actions caused. That said after 14+ months of IC and 6+ months of CC I am much better at being able to sit with my wife during the most painful discussions we have. There are times I wonder if I am being helpful as I often feel pretty useless, but my wife consistently reinforces that just listening and being present helps her. Lots of work to get even a basic set of skills that most people developed much earlier in life and still takes a lot of conscious effort.

I am really pulling for your husband, but totally understand why you are feeling pessimistic. I agree he is putting his unwillingness to have the uncomfortable and hard discussions before your need to process the trauma you are experiencing. I have been in his shoes and both my wife and I have often commented that reconciling is probably the harder path to take because of the length of time and amount of work required. Would not be on that path right now if we were both not all in. Hopefully things turn around, but one thing the IC work both my wife and I have done has made me realize either of us could be okay even if R does not work out. I am optimistic it will, but I would have said 12 months ago that I could not navigate a world without my wife vs now knowing I have done the work too make myself a better person who can live a healthy life without being codependent on my wife. Would be super hard on both of us if R does not work, but I am sure you will find a path that eventually gives you peace.