SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We’ve been together for 17 years and have three minor children; despite our differences and problems, I always thought we’d grow old together. Everyone always said we made a beautiful couple with a wonderful marriage and praised us constantly, but... After COVID, I noticed my wife’s behavior changing significantly: she was away from home more often, constantly hiding her phone, and smiling while typing to someone... A few months later, I discovered a huge number of calls to a specific number in the call logs. I confronted her about it, asking what it was; she claimed it was just a friendship—some random guy from Instagram—and quickly turned the blame on me, accusing me of violating her privacy, neglecting her, and so on. I apologized and suggested we draw a line under the past and start fresh—but without the secrecy this time. She agreed, and I really put a tremendous amount of effort into the relationship, but soon I discovered another call, then another, and another—and every time, I was the one at fault. This went on for a long time; there would be brief periods of peace, only for me to discover something else was going on, as she became increasingly skilled at hiding things—Viber, Telegram, WhatsApp... She always insisted she hadn't cheated on me—that she was just texting and talking to the guy, never even meeting him in person. All those years turned me into a detective, letting someone poison my mind and forcing me to question my own sanity and logic. I knew I was right, though, because the other day I happened to come across her old mobile phone; knowing her better than she knows herself, I knew she was a hoarder who never threw anything away. I turned it on and saw exactly what I had suspected: it was all true. She had been cheating on me and lying to me—the messages even revealed she’d gotten pregnant by him and had a miscarriage. She denies it, but since she’s a skilled actress, I don’t believe her. I had been optimistic that the relationship could be saved; I even initiated marriage counseling, but that turned into an hour and a half of her playing the victim and explaining to the therapist that I was a psychopath who violated her privacy by checking her phone and snooping into her activities. After I confronted her with what I’d found, she initially played dumb, so I asked if it was time for an honest conversation. She agreed; we sat down, and I told her I’d actually known it all along—my brain just needed confirmation. She claims she wanted to tell me many times, but... how do you just walk up and say, "Hey, I cheated on you"? Hmm, maybe it would have been easier if you hadn't done it in the first place? Anyway, I told her that after 17 years, I finally deserved the whole truth regarding all those years of lies—that she should unburden her soul, give me some peace of mind, and let us part ways like civilized people; we could continue co-parenting—and maybe even be friends—without having to be enemies. She immediately insisted she had nothing to say since I’d seen it all, but quickly started shifting the blame back onto me—claiming I wasn't thinking about the children, and that they needed us to be normal... She is such a skille manipulator and liar and victim in whose trap I got into because I loved her, I tought we're building something together, in the end all I have is: Sorry, I've never wanted to hurt you. Those words right now means absolutely nothing to me

How is her behavior with other people? Does she have porous morals and values? Is she sorry about her behavior? You have to be honest with yourself to see if you have enough material to work with.

In the meantime there is tremendous pressure on your emotions so the stress is going to cause harm unless you get it under control. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, and the anxiety you are feeling might be helped with a trip to your doctor. There are meds for it if needed.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:27 PM, Wednesday, September 2nd]

I initated a divorce, and currenty I am struggling with how to say it to my children. Even tough I was optimistic and tought we can talk about problem and find a solution, I realized her only worry is who will know about her infidelity and who am I going to say that. She don't care that her actions caused this marriage and family to fall apart, her only worry is her ego and pride. She said she is really sorry snd that she never wanted to hurt me but I just dont see it in her, as I said she is a very skilled manipulator, liar and a victim. She doesnt know how to handle money and few months ago I've found oit in bank that she has a bank loan of 30000€ which she never discussed with me, she said she had to take than loan to return all debts and close old loans, one year after than loan she is again in a big pile of shit of debts on all sides, and thats why she is trying to manipulate me to stay with her and live together as roomates because of the kids(read:finances)

Kole, I’m so sorry that you’re here.

I think you’re right that she’s not sorry. On this site people have become pretty expert at teasing out the differences between regret and remorse. Your STBXWW regrets being caught, but she does not have remorse. This is a really good explanation of the difference: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/586809/beyond-regret-and-remorse/

You still have her old phone, right? With the texts that prove she cheated? You have your proof. She’s obviously never going to tell you anything, I’m sorry to say, because she’s been served with divorce papers and she still is not doing anything to fix the marriage. It sucks and you deserve better, but the sooner you can stop trying to figure out what’s going on in her head the better. Do you know the 180? It’s here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

Read the FAQs as well. Basically, stop engaging with her. Do this so you can detach emotionally. This will deprive her of the power of hurting you further.

Your children are minors, what are their ages? Are they in therapy? If not, I would start them on that. You can discuss what to say with their therapist.

The advice here will largely be don’t lie to them, and don’t let her paint you as the bad guy. There are age appropriate ways to explain what happened.

Your wife’s middle name is Infidelity. Both emotional, financial and sexual.

I suggest you stop 🛑 trying to have rational and reasonable conversations w/ her. Stop going to counseling s/ her.

Instead focus on moving forward with the D. Separate yourself financially from her so you are not in the hook for her debts. Cancel joint credit cards and close all joint accounts.

I’m sorry you are facing a D but I think the peace it will bring you and your kids is the best thing to happen to you.

You deserve better. And living with a lying cheating manipulative spouse is basically living a life of misery.

I've returned her old phone back to her to stop playing detective and protect myself against any potential legal charges. I already found an apartment for myself and my kids, and today I have to confront her to sign papers for divorce and kids, my suggestion was that is best for kids to spend time equally with both parents because even tough she is trash in my eyes I still believe kids need both parents and I dont want them to think bad of her now(they are 16,14 and 9 years old). Tomorrow I'll call a family meeting and tell them we are divorcing, they are most important thing in my life and my only goal is that they are happy and that they dont have to suffer. I am with them all the time and talking to them all the time and trying to make them see that they are not alone and that I am always here for them.

The 16 and 14 year olds are old enough to know the truth. Given your WWs character, she is going to slander you I think, so I think you need to tell them the truth.

Others should chime in but I think you could say something like:

Your mother had an affair with NAME OF OM HERE from around [Date] and on-and-off for about [X] years. Although I had my suspicions, I couldn’t confirm it until recently. This caused tension in our relationship while it was ongoing, and now it has come to a head. I have reached the conclusion that I’m not comfortable with remaining married to her, and have decided to divorce. I am not deciding this out of anger or pain, but after careful deliberation.

I do not want nor expect you to take sides. She is and always will be your mother and deserves your support and respect. You can give her support without condoning her past actions.

None of this had anything to do with you. Nothing you did or didn’t do has anything to do with the failure of our marriage, that is purely between your mother and I. Both of us love you with all our hearts, and nothing will change that. We are so proud of you, and we will make sure that you are safe and cared for. We’re going to introduce you to a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing to help you understand the many feelings you will have about this, but know that we will always be there for you and to please talk to us if you’re sad or angry or confused.

You are right and I want to tell them that because it is the truth and I dont want to lie about it, but as I said I'm still trying to be human and I want them to love their mother even though she did that to me and she is trash in my eyes. Anything I say to them will traumatize them and today I have a counseling with therapist how to talk tomorrow with them about that topic. It will be the hardest talk ever in my life, we have a strong connection and we both trust each other but still she doesnt want anyone to know what she did especially the kids, and honestly I don want to lie to them ever but still I am not sure is it appropriate to tell them she had an affair with other man because they will probably hate her and then she will probably try to sue me for interfering with child emotions and everything. God I am such a mess right now

Here are few suggestions as I faced a similar situation.

My very wise (and expensive) counselor made these suggestions:

You and your STBXW rehearse what you tell the kids and you have everyone in the same room for the discussion.

You and STBXW and kids go to the counselor’s office to tell them. Having a professional counselor there may be helpful.

You need to give your kids basic info. Mom had an affair. We are D. They do not and should not know who it was with at this time. They just need to know that while their life will change, both parents will be involved with them to the fullest extent possible.

Have a co-parenting plan ready to give to the kids. Who they will live with, will schools change etc. who gets weekend time etc.

Both parents will be at all events for kids.

They are the #1 priority.

I’m sorry it had to come to this but it doesn’t appear as though your wife has the intelligence or maturity to truly understand what she has done and the trauma she has inflicted on you & kids.

I’m a little confused when you say you both trust each other, because in your prior posts you say she’s a master manipulator and liar. Seems to me that she is, in fact, a master manipulator and liar. And you should not trust her, and that she will apply those skills to blame you in their eyes for the divorce.

On your exposure for a lawsuit for interfering with child emotions…that’s not really a claim I’m familiar with. You need to talk to a lawyer in Croatia obviously, but my understanding is that almost nowhere is it against the law to tell the truth.

My father was a cheater. He left my mom for another woman. I don’t hate him for that. It will affect their relationship with her, that’s true, but that’s something she will need to deal with. Maybe she can own her mistakes with them a little better than she did with you.

When I said trust each other I meant me and my kids. I dont trust her anything, when she says water is wet I have to put my finger in that water to check it. Thank you all for advices, hopefully I will be smarter today after counseling with therapist, kids are already confused and they see something is happening and I told them today that they dont need to worry sbout anything and that we are going to have a family meeting tomorrow and explain them everything

When did you get confirmation? How are you holding up? Lots of good advice here on how to move forward, but I have to imagine you are deeply hurting.

I've found evidence last wednesday and confronted her with it, was quite bad for few days, but now Im ok, already found new apartment and today I have to talk with my kids about divorce which is in my opinion the hardest part, but I have strong connection with them and I am optimistic about the talk. We will see today

I hope the talk with your children goes okay. I know they will be upset but you can help them by being ready to talk or just listen.

It is almost certain that the few bad days behind you aren’t the end of it. Betrayal is a significant trauma. Be prepared for some very rough weeks and months ahead. It’s good that you are able to do what you need to do right now. Over functioning can be a way to try to suppress the tidal wave of emotions. This wound needs dealing with or it can fester for life. You can get a lot of good support here. Best wishes.

I understand what are you saying, but I dont know, maybe cause I suspected for so long but just my brain needed a confirmation that I'm not imaginig things as she was saying to me. I literaly dont care about her, if she was dying and I am the only one that could save her I would walk away, thats how much I care about her, and no that is not the hate coming out from me, thats how I actually feel about her and her well being. In my eyes she is just a mother of my children, all the love and emotions that I had for her perished last week. I dont hate her or anyone, I just dont care about her anymore.