SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. I'm a BH, together about 15 years, married 12, no kids.

I've been reading here for a while and finally want to tell my story.

About five months ago, my WW woke me late one night and told me she'd ended a year-long affair. I sensed I wasn't getting the whole truth. She swore it was a year, that she ended it, and that they used condoms. All of it was false. The affair lasted closer to three years, it ended because the AP got caught, and they never used protection.

Over the next week, the trickle truths continued. The "full" confession only came after I threatened a polygraph (I never required one). In total, she had seven sexual partners, two physical encounters without sex, and a couple of sexting relationships. It spanned our entire relationship. I had even met a few of these men and thought they were friends or colleagues. She was with someone around the time of our wedding.

The most recent affair was the deepest and is the hardest for me. They talked multiple times a day, often for an hour or more combined, and said "I love you." They took trips together while I thought she was traveling alone for work. He was in our home and they had sex here.

She has gone no contact, and she started IC and MC on her own and has stuck with them. We're both STI-negative. I have my own IC, and two close people in my life know and support me. We're living together and trying to reconcile. I believe I now know everything, but I can't be certain.

The first month was brutal. I barely ate or slept. I've regained some routine, but I think about it constantly, and the intrusive images of her with other men have slowed but still occur daily. I keep wondering how the person I knew best could lie to me for so long. Even if she truly changes, I wonder if I can ever be happy or at peace with her, knowing what she was capable of.

Some days reconciliation feels possible and other days I feel like I'll never get there. For those further down this road: is R realistic after something this extensive? And what should I be prioritizing right now?

Thank you for reading.

I am very sorry you are here but this is a place for healing.
Your WW has so many issues all I can say is how sorry I am that you have to try to make sense of it.
I always say look at their childhood. Genetics and parenting are the two main things that hamper or encourage emotional growth. It sounds like she has some very deep need to put a barrier between herself and other people. It might be she considers every single adult as dangerous to her mental well being so she puts a barrier up. That way she does not have to feel susceptible to feelings of love. I would guess she is very damaged.
Please try to look after your health as you navigate this. See a dr for meds for anxiety if you need something. Do not turn to alcohol or drugs to get you through. Try to eat nutritious meals.

I'm so sorry for what was done to you. Your wife is a lifestyle cheater, she was never in the same relationship as you. It was always you - the safety and rules to be broken and other man - the excitement of cheating. Looking from that perspective, there is hardly something to reconcile. It is more like building a sober life with a lifetime drug addict that committed to it yesterday out of fear of loosing stability. Not impossible, but would you bet your money on it? Would you recommend it to your child? If you want, you can seek out a board for lifestyle cheaters. The cynicism, open ill will, pride of being a great lier and manipulator, protocols of not getting caught (called opsec), protocols how to manage the spouse and continue cheating if caught (called damage control), it's all shocking.

I understand that you are looking for hope, but prepare yourself for the most likely outcome, not the best one. That includes financial and emotional safety. Create a buffer from her, where you know how to live, what to do, how to have good moments without her.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 9:38 AM, Tuesday, October 20th]

Your wife is a serial cheater. That’s a fact.

Unfortunately there is no way to know if she will become a faithful monogamous spouse. Only time will tell whether she will become one.

For you, the hurts are long and deep. You may be able to get past the lies and pain and Reconcile. But here’s the but - because there is always a but.

But do you want to ? Forget that you love her and don’t want a D. Most betrayeds initially don’t want a D. But over time, you start to look at your life very differently. Anger and resentment can creep in — especially at the fact that she’s been cheating your entire marriage (practically).

Only you know your limits. Everyone is different. And you may decide to reconcile but know your view of your wife will change. And it might be years from now that you realize you have changed and this marriage no longer works for you.

I encourage you to be honest with yourself and not settle. My advice is to only consider reconciling if you will be happy.

FYI nothing will change unless you change. You won’t have the same marriage in many ways because you won’t tolerate lying and shady behavior. The first time she has an"work trip" there will be much discussion about it.

I hope your wife is up to the task b/c R is a very long process. Years of work and weathering the storm.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:15 AM, Tuesday, October 20th]

Oh man, 7531, that’s a rough story. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

You should take care of yourself right now, which it sounds like you’re doing, and observing her behavior. Is everything she’s doing consistent with building trust and trying to make amends? Watch her for as long as you feel like.

My concern is the same concern everyone has, including you. She’s never been faithful in 15 years. She’s had everything from full-blown love affairs to casual hookup sounding ones. And she’s apparently good at hiding it from you.

She’s literally NEVER been honest with you. You might want to follow through on that polygraph idea. Maybe she can change, but that sounds to me like a difficult challenge. Even the way she confessed was selfish. Couldn’t she have at least waited until the morning?

Why did she decide to confess, has she said?

What is she telling you about why she did it?

How is she demonstrating to you that she actually wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you?

Has she confessed to anyone but you?

I have no issues with R, and this site is testimony that two people who want to R can do it, provided they put in the effort. But I would be very worried about trying with her. She seems like she’s just a selfish con-artist.

Make sure you get yourself to a place where the minute your spidey-sense tingles you can leave. Get a post-nup in place.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 1:20 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

Thank you, Letmebefrank. I appreciate the honesty and your questions made me think.

Why she confessed: Her first answer was that she couldn't live with the lies anymore. Later she admitted she was also afraid the AP's wife would find me and tell me first. So I don't think it was purely conscience and I haven't forgotten that.

Why she did it: She's working through it in IC. Her explanation is childhood sexual abuse that left her with an unhealthy relationship with sex, and she says she used it for validation and liked feeling desired. I take that seriously, but I know it's an explanation and not an excuse. What matters is whether she changes.

What she's doing now: Full transparency, with access to all her accounts, location sharing on, and more contact when we're apart. She's stuck with IC and MC and seems to be doing real work. My problem is that I don't want a marriage where I'm always checking. I trusted her blindly and she abused that. She may be doing everything right and it may still be too late for me.

Who knows: Her mom has known since our first year of marriage, when my wife confessed to her. Her mom promised to keep it quiet and told her never to do it again. My WW never mentioned additional cheating to her until the recent discovery. Her mom then told her father a watered-down version without my permission. She didn't give him the full picture, and when he said there was blame on both sides, I nearly lost it. I also found out a coworker friend of hers was cheating too and they confided in each other. I asked her to cut contact and she did.

Polygraph: I'm holding it in reserve. If something doesn't add up, I'll insist on it.

Finances: Everything is joint. I'd never heard of a post-nup before visiting SI, so I'm going to learn more and consider talking to a lawyer about protecting myself.

I guess my biggest question is this: has anyone here reconciled after a history this long and what did "enough" look like to you?

I can’t answer your main question specifically, since I didn’t experience anything like this.

I’ll just chime in with a few other thoughts though.

I really don’t believe that she confessed out of guilt. She got dumped because AP got caught. I think it’s very reasonable to assume that the affair would be going on today if that hadn’t happened. I imagine she’s telling you today that she never really loved him, but was addicted to the attention and validation. It may or may not be true, and it’s common enough to be plausible, but it’s still something to continue to push on, because it gets to her motivations. Does she really want to be with you because she loves you, or does she just not want to be alone? Are you her first choice or her backup plan? Those questions would matter to me. You’ll learn more by observing her than just talking to her about it.

Has she been evaluated for sex addiction?

100% talk to a lawyer. At a minimum, to ask the post-nup question and also to educate yourself on what D might look like. Just get the information so it can factor into your thinking.

Finally, read this article https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/586809/beyond-regret-and-remorse/. This contrition, or remorse, is one of the things that people look for to see if someone is a good candidate for R.

You're right that the affair would likely still be going on if the AP hadn't gotten caught. That's painful to accept, but it’s the most likely scenario.

Your questions about whether I'm her first choice or her backup plan are ones I've been asking myself. She says the right things, so I'm watching her actions over time.

I found the contrition article yesterday and found it helpful. In addition to IC and MC, she's taken full responsibility, stopped minimizing, and can have hard conversations while showing accountability. Not perfect, but getting there.

The IC doesn't think it's sex addiction and neither do I. It looks like a hunger for attention and validation combined with a weak moral compass. Maybe that's a distinction without a difference.

The biggest mindf*ck is that I still love her, but I'm realizing I love a version of her that never existed. Did we care for and support each other? Have genuinely good times and enjoy each other? Share the same long-term goals and vision of the future? I thought so. Did she also lie and cheat from the very beginning? Yes. I look back on my whole adult life and wonder what was real.

I've left a few times saying I was done and I keep coming back. I'd like to say it's because I believe we can reconcile, but I wonder if I'm afraid to be alone and lose the life I'm used to. I feel crazy for wanting to rebuild something she destroyed.

[This message edited by BS7531 at 5:01 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

I know of several posters here on SI that seem to have reconciled from numerous affair partners. One couple is quite prominent, with the former wayward wife being a major and valued contributor.

But that doesn’t really help you much…

I have seen couples divorce from what most would consider "less" than you are dealing with, and I have seen couples reconcile from what some might consider "worse". It’s all relative, and IMHO the end-result is based on what you – the betrayed spouse want and are offered, and what she – the wayward spouse wants and can offer. Combined with what you both want lines up, and what you can offer each other.

Just keep in mind that you don’t have to reconcile. You have options.

But… if you do agree to remain married… then why not set the goal at creating the best marriage you can.

I don’t see how one can deduce why she confessed based on what you share, other than on what you share. I tend to take self-made confessions as more positive than forced. I don’t think you two could ever have a good marriage if she had ended this affair and never cheated again but never shared what she did with you.

If it was fear of the OMW finding out and contacting, then probably one or more of the other OM could create the same scenario. Why now? MAYBE she was hoping for some path out and started that with a confession. Maybe. Or maybe not. Not relevant IMHO.

I second the talk-to-a-lawyer suggestion. It allows you to better understand what divorce would be, and therefore possibly lessen your fear of it. Knowing you have acceptable options is always good.

I want to suggest that you keep her mom and dad out of this… They don’t really have a say on if you reconcile or not, nor get to create some guilt- and blame game. This is YOUR family-unit, and she left their unit upon marrying you. I’m all for seeking support, but if those you share with are more into minimizing or finger-pointing then cut them out of your emotional lives.

My problem is that I don't want a marriage where I'm always checking. I trusted her blindly and she abused that. She may be doing everything right and it may still be too late for me.

I don’t think anyone that has reconciled is in a marriage where they are always checking. One of the grimmer lessons in life is when we realize blind trust isn’t sustainable, and should be avoided. With time you can replace it with trust-but-verity.

For example: If she tells you that she’s at the gym every Thursday from about 5 to 7 you might be worried that she’s actually with OM. You use reasonable means to confirm she’s there: Drive by and see if her car is there, use phone-locator to see if she’s there, does she place sweaty gym clothes into the laundry… Do this a couple of times and you get a sense of verification that she actually is doing what she says she’s doing.

With time your need for verification diminishes.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:02 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

There is a lot of anxiety and doubt in your posts. It's natural and almost everyone that got cheated on does feel that way. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to build a version of yourself that is fine with either outcome. From a place of fear you won't be able to realistically assess if there is a future with her that you want to pursue and you won't be able to truly reconcile into a happy relationship if that is even in the cards. I think the most important and helpful work that a betrayed person can do (and often the most difficult), is the work on their own resilience and confidence. You are currently not in a hurry, you don't have to make decisions now, you don't have to know, understand or accept the answers to all questions. You are in a place where you can think deeply how to be in a place where you can bounce back given any outcome.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 7:31 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

[duplicate]

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 7:13 PM, Tuesday, October 20th]

It’s not just this recent affair you need to recover from, she’s a serial cheater. She has cheated your entire marriage so really you’ve been in a one sided open marriage the entire time. The problem is you said you’ve left a few and always come back so why would she change when she knows you’ll come back and forgive. She doesn’t really think you will leave so she’ll keep cheating once this blows over. Take control back from her, let her know that divorce is a real possibility and then take some time away from her to think and get clarity. If you don’t do that and really address her cheating you’ll be in a never ending infidelity cycle. There is no chance of real change in her until she realizes you are leaving for real this time. If that doesn’t bother her then there is nothing to salvage here and you should file for divorce. By the way she didn’t cheat because of issues during her childhood, she cheated because she wanted to, is extremely selfish and because she could. Everything else she says is just a lie to justify what she has done your marriage and try to make it look like it isn’t her fault!